When you realize you are a fake how genuine can you get..?

My good friend Punith recently told me a story which illustrates this., the Hindu deity Vishnu among his incarnations becomes Rama, this is his incarnation where he is born as a mortal man, he is so lost in the belief that he is just this ordinary person that when his brother Lakshmana was wounded fatally by Indrajit’s weapon., Rama holds Lakshmana in his arms and starts crying…, Him being the incarnation of Vishnu suggests that he should know what exactly happens next i.e., the magical herb Sanjeevani will be brought by Hanuman (World’s first superhero..!) and rescued., but Rama is crying and pouring his heart out being the most genuinely fake person ever, this cracks up the angels and deities in heaven…

Pain and Pleasure are the same thing but just from a different perspective., this perspective is imparted sometimes by accident, sometimes by time, sometimes by opening up your own mind.

I have written about pain before., now its time to write about its flip side. One of the reason I am doing this is to liberate myself from the past. If I remember something that connects the dot’s I will come back and update this., I am filled with so many reasons on why this is such a bad Idea.! but I am doing this with the resolve that if this take’s me down a notch then it also allow me to rise again.

Everything written here is honest interpretation of my perception of what took place, Looking back I can never stand in that position and feel that again, which also tells me that most can never truly understand why this is important for me., but I have realized that by writing this down I can get rid of this nostalgia and can look for more adventures.., I sincerely admire and cherish every character that show up in this post., the story here tells only about my perspective into one’s own reality and not the reality itself.

Things written here might be off than how it actually happened but memories gets distorted the more and more we try to recall them, and here in I have written in the most honest way I remember them writing today.
This is meant to be published on June 3rd 2019, and will be updated as and when necessary.

I am on a journey to observe what happens in 6months., if the Earth can change its direction around SUN, if trees can shed their leaves or blossom … I am certain things change whether you like it or not with your explicit involvement or not..

I have began this post after 1 month into my quest with the universe, I have started the quest by deleting every single memory and connection I had to my past, everything I write here has no proof with me, but there are plenty with others ., but what I write here is my perspective into this story.

Time the final frontier, which has everything and still holds nothing, where a 5min song can break you down or 50year life can feel absolutely nothing.

I am a believer., I now know that I have built this reality to experience exactly what I always needed., this doesn’t change how involved I am in the moment but just after it has passed it gives me a perspective of not feeling  sad or regretful for something not happening according to my plan instead a great joy in what ever happened…! and a sense of amazement at the plan I have built, and look for more…

Like most things the timeline of this story is nonlinear., and taken out as and when I think of it like Beechi’s “BHAYAGRAPHY”. I know it doesn’t have to be linear so I am not going to organize it.

This Game has been worth the Candle so far and my hope that it will be…

Looking back today I feel that the story didn’t start this year but that it started the day I was born even more like I was born for this story.,
Its a journey of chase that I have taken to find the one in ways I couldn’t anticipate., fills me with amazement on the place I stand…and ways it might take going further…the dream that can’t end but fill with thrills every step of the way…

I can see only the connections that have happened somehow from year 2017., even when I was not interested about this girl, I casually put forth to share some info on her to know more about my friend / partner and that’s where I took interest to get more info on her and googled around to find her records to see how much of what he said was true went a bit far to ask a mutual friend about her… and that’s about it ….. My friend didn’t give her number or introduce her to me nor did he spoke again about it .!
So I didn’t take it further….but it didn’t….

During these days I started to get frustrated on my professional life as it was not taking off in any way, felt being stuck in the same position and seeing no way out.

The life came with a twist and suddenly there was a new possibility with a trip abroad for from an organization where they were supposed to handpick only a few people from the telecom industry which almost never happened…, this itself was a miracle that it happened when it did.., following the way how my passports and visa got approved to find a person who was just there to receive me at the airport against so many odds from my home town in land 4321Km away.

I am fool as one would say to fall for the girl on first sight or at-least the first day…..then you need to know that the fool who persists in his folly will be wiser…

I started to like this girl in Taiwan, it was rather interesting to see lot of coincidences with her as well apart from the fact that she was from my home town she had already received a good and strong character from my friend., naturally I started admiring her and got to know a bit more of her personal life every which things made me want to get to know her more…
In the month’s stay there I asked her out couple of times by making lame excuses, but none came to fruition finally I had to leave back to India with a conclusive mindset that she might just not be interested in me., slowly things started to change 15 days later she pinged me out of the blue to give heads up on her visit to Bangalore and to check if we can meet up., this peaked my interest.., I started chatting every other day which led to developing crush on her the kind which gives you butterflies in the stomach.
After a month of this we finally met on 13th June 2018, things went pretty awkwardly between us mainly because she brought a friend with her.,
the mobile chat became inorganic., couple of weeks later I started to feel different about her finally with my confession about how I had developed a crush on her and with her reasoning of preordained groom things ended., and decided it would be just friendship from then on.
By which time I felt is what I wanted out of that relationship.

Had a strange new experience of having a crush about someone, where love songs started to be more my genre… but it didn’t last…

…you realize things change …and isn’t always what it appears to be..

A rather strange thing happened on 13th June 2018, this is when I got the first glimpse of my universe., Just as I entered home after being back from meeting the girl who I felt I would end up with., my friend asked me how it went, I told him about the awkwardness, he gave his 2cents on it and immediately sent me the matrimonial listing of this girl.,
The girl who changed everything.

There is an overlap of stories here.., Let me clarify first
Even with the awkward date I had with my crush, I hadn’t lost interest on her rather it became even more probable now to get a second one with just her., and now that my friend had given a matrimonial contact of the girl he had mentioned a year ago.., again he did the exact same thing which he is still doing to this day.., he hasn’t given her number to me..!ever..!
What a surprise she was born on the same day as me .., that’s 28years ago today to be exact., just an hour before., she was Aquarius same as mine…with similar Name Letters and stuff….
All surprises aside I was rather interested to prank my friend a bit for not sharing the phone number nor introducing me to her..,
I had to jump hoops now as my parent were on the lookout for a girl for my yelder brother., I somehow got my Kundli to share with this girl., which by itself was an eyeopener., I am not Aquarius..!!! I was 100% sure I was for the last 27years even everyone at my family had the same thing in their head.
After sharing that to my friend I went behind his back and made the first contact on Facebook and asked her to be secretive about the whole stuff and got her to chat with me on Whats-app…, I was interested in finding some embarrassing thing on my friend, sadly didn’t happen., this turned out to be rather interesting chat as our chat’s turned a bit flirtatious went as much as 500chats on a single night., I kept her very clear on my intentions about not getting into marriage as my brother’s is on due., curiously enough 3days later the news came back with no match conclusion., I was a bit disappointed with a rejection coming from an astrologer… but it was all in good humor as it never mattered. but as previously discussed I coaxed her to meet up at GoNative.
Go Native is a place in jayanagar where our mutual friend and I met one of our payment partners for a business discussion and it was a place explored when Corner House was house full a month before…
And after few more days of chat one Saturday it happened. It was raining the day I first saw her in person., I had asked her to wear something cozy.. she was wearing a yellow dress and had a curly hair, bit different from how she was in photos., but being a person who is not so familiar with faces., it was interesting that I recognized her instantly.
The Mangalore buns and coffee came to a bill of 420Rs., (coincidence??)., I opened up pretty easily with this stranger and gave up every detail about myself feeling it would be our last meetup and that it would anyways doesn’t matter. I got some more info on mutual friends but never anything crispy., unlike my Taiwan girl this girl here was more chatty on whatsapp and pretty silent in person., she had a tone which has a resonance similar to one of my aunts from coorg.
I got her to share the pic of our snack with my wallet to our mutual friend as a taste of betrayal.,
That night I had an Ice Cream (she paid but didn’t eat) we walked and bid our goodbyes at Metro., but it didn’t end there…we had couple of chats a bit late in the night and done…

She was not beautiful..
I realize it now…I was more interested in the game than her just didn’t wanted to disappoint her in the process…(what a humble person I am 😝)
She was not as cute as in her matrimonial pics… She was not as bad as some of her Facebook and WhatsApp pics… But she was unique..(the word I used to describe her voice in the rickshaw).. She was decent.. Well dressed., I didn’t come back with any desire for her…
So it was not a love at first sight… It wasn’t even there…
While I thought this in my head my subconscious answered my question if what changed very clearly….GOWRAV.

(Updated from archive: 26th May)
One may see this update and think I am still melancholic and lashing back but it is the clarity I had missed out and have gained this night.

She tells me that she went to the same coaching center I went for Chemistry in 2nd PUC., strangely I hadn’t seen her even though I had went to almost every batch of Mr. Raidu.,  but taking a nostalgic tour of our lecturers accented teaching., I somehow can hear her name being called in the class., such unique name it is.., I coudn’t have missed out… it rings my ears…

I was feeling a bit guilty around this month that somehow I might rather complicate things by pulling a decent girl into uncharted territories.. I had mentioned that I am rocking two boats when I don’t want the second one to my good friend who was rather happy to hear the story… 😉

My partner in crime who I will call as puffy from now on was the one who I conceded in about the crush and how to handle it, he had a strategy which I can guarantee you works best., just let it out.! best to be in person. His stories are many with much vibrancy to itself than one I can ever write., so my strength to confess came from here., it doesn’t mean he has mastered his advice completely in his life, he still has certain problems where he holds back on his thought’s of having the fear of loosing something, we have to realize that the beauty is not in holding on to something but to play the game of catch and release.

I took his advice and everything crashed.!, but it was just a beginning of something more interesting…so yeah it worked…

I was eager to have a girl in my life.., one who can be an amazing friend., who can change my life…guess what., I found her.. and she doesn’t know., and I won’t tell her now.

After few day’s I went on a business work to Pune, spoke to a friend on what had happened and also the possibility of taking things further with a girl who is elder than me, she told me to ask her out and see where it goes.., that’s all I needed to hop on to this train.,

I started rather innocently and flirtatiously and it went a bit wild there with an yellow dress., couldn’t forget that pic.

I took it as a sign when my question about whether she had watched the movie SANJU..? came with a response of  “why do you ask when you are not interested to see”., and I asked her out on a movie date. after 2 weeks it happened in last week of July, with her selecting Sankashtakara Ganapathi., the movie co produced by people close to me.
It was an evening show, I was on time and she came a bit late ., every bit worth .., to see her just in the crowd was an unfathomable joy., “I SEE YOU”

The seats were off 123457689 ..,our seats were 7 and 8…, “the universe is not in my favor” I said.. she said “you should listen”., movie was the best and you will know why if you see the movie, me being me .., I bragged a lot about places and people in the movie and my connections with them…., we bantered through out it, she was there and that was all …

She offered to take me to Polar Bear even though she doesn’t like ice-cream while I do., I said no..
but did few other things like having milkshake…,finished our dinner at KFC which she paid with a Kotak Card., we spent 3hrs there after movie talking so many things ., she opened up about her childhood and it was all I wanted to hear.., “vaidyarheliddu halu anna, rogi bayasiddu haluanna”., exact words said by her on the date for me getting an excuse from my client meetup on a sunday.!!

My heart was overflowing…and I had slipped…

The world’s biggest power is the youth and beauty of a woman.

Chanakya

I started imaging that I am in…! I have cracked the code and all I have to do is wait for her to come back and take her to MTR., why this specifically you ask.,
its one place I had heard so much off but never got chance to visit, so I had decided to explore this exclusively one in Lalbagh road., Literally begged the universe looking at the stars to make it happen.., I gave myself 15days from Aug 1st to Aug 15th …
…. it happened…
with a very interesting coincidence DDG of AIR Bengaluru took me to this exact place on August 14th 2018., a day before deadline, I have been in Blr for 5 years now ., and it happened after I asked.. with one major flaw, it wasn’t with her.., the call never came…
I called her on 16th and told her everything that happened on 14th , the incident of MUYI cracked her up., “I can’t stop laughing”..
She said be happy your wish came true.., but it was her that was the most important one., she didn’t realize.

Ask and it shall be given, but be very clear because the universe is deaf on one ear.

I initiated few chat’s (as always) between 16th and 24th August., just so that I could connect and chat., they went on random subjects but didn’t quite last long., during this time she told me something interesting ., “When I cam e to corporate world, the first thing they teach is to say NO..! “, as of this date she hasn’t to me ever said NO., but I can never take it as a YES..!
To be truthful she said “beda, I am out” when I was about to mention this blog to her., so I didn’t … but will she ever find out ??

I am not going to iterate what happened on Aug25th because there is a post already… https://gowrav.com/the-real-pain/

This is an exert where I thought it would begin..
Long Prologue:
I was intrigued when (our friend) mentioned you for the first time so dig a bit deeper and that’s about it…
This didn’t change even at our first meet it was simple, easy and good…
I genuinely liked you for your sensibility and friendliness when we met and that’s that.
but somewhere along the way I have slipped and it feels both awesome and awful…,
Although it’s late by almost a decade…
I want to love everyone unconditionally…but it’s still a work in progress…
In the mean time I keep getting anxious about you …. it has gone to an extent that even when I am actively thinking about you, I get distracted by your thoughts… and that’s just stupid…
I can deny it but obviously it’s best to confront it head on and fix it…
Now the Story is short and predictable.
I have feelings for you…
{I guess it’s obvious to you by endless charades of things I am doing already…}
We had this discussion before..
this path is a chain of problems but as I have recently learnt …
life if nothing else is a chain of problems waiting for us to solve… to give us hope…
This is a set of problems I like to solve…
I don’t want to know how you feel about me if it makes you uncomfortable., and frankly doesn’t matter as it will change…
All I want to know is a simple truth from you…
Whether there is teeny tiny… possibility of endless problems to solve ..since it’s you who holds the key to the first one.
or
its just a hopeless end to begin with…
This way I can stop making you uncomfortable…
In which case a simple NO would suffice.
{Emojis are always a good choice}
….
Since we started with a chat I felt it’s apt to end it this way if it so happens..
….
If not let’s have Lassi next week… as always at your convenience…
{…Trying to bias your brain with LASSI here…}

(Copied from archive: 25th Aug)

There is some self-interest behind every friendship. There is no friendship without self-interests. This is a bitter truth.

Chanakya

This is an exert where I thought it would end..
The last thing I probably should be doing is talk to you…
All my friends with broken hearts have told me this in the past…
But right now I just want to put my thoughts out to someone and feel completely vulnerable as its weighing on me….And I feel it needs to be you to really make sense…
I am not justifying my actions here but just confessing over…
Honestly thats how this started when we first met.., no remorse on my words as you were a stranger, my interaction with you was impulsive not planned with any other motive but just a prank on Sachin,.. as I told you before the day he told me about your matrimonial details…
I went out to meet a crush of mine from Taiwan but she came with her friend to the meetup place and I was taken aback…
but she still was the only one on my mind even when we met for coffee in jayanagar and long after that too…
So it felt very easy to tell you
about me , my family and my company partners without hidding anything…
I felt no judgement that makes me weak.., when I spoke to you….
While I still struggle with my closest friends on that end even today
I have no reason to be sarcastic towards you .., nothing you said or did was wrong …
On the other hand what I did here probably is…
for me this is an unknown teritory…,
I want to assure you that I have treated you with same respect and care as my friends in person at our two meetups and even when chatting online…
….
All I wanted to do was to see you and chat with you nothing more and that’s what we did….. No other expectations…
But I was a bit more open about things with you that’s all… and I have occasionally compelled the same in you… Because I wanted to listen to you…
What happend this week was not that different..
once the feeling became too strong..
I wanted to tell you how I feel in person come clean about it…may be ask you out one last time and see where it stands ..,
But felt that would just delay things so I wrote it and sent to you when I woke up yesterday night.
I probably did it in the most arrogant of ways… But haven’t lied..
I should have had proper check on my feelings once we set our boundaries … I failed there .. and I know both of us will suffer because of it in different ways ….
I am truly sorry about it…
…..
I cried for ME today…I havent done this for quite long…
I have only wept when I sees someone I care about crying … never for my feelings but it changed today…
It was good….
……
I have asked you to forget things before when I said something wrong or confusing…
I really admire that you have always done so.
Although I want to do the exact thing here, I feel it won’t truly change the outcome…
So I am not going to..,
it will take me time to get over my imagination of you but it’s a process and I feel I have to go through it.
I know you are strong and that this might not have caused much change in your faith about trust or friendship in general…
But if it has …My sincere hope is that my mistake here doesn’t permanently affect you in any negative way…
May be we will become friends as before and put this behind us., But right now I don’t know the path….

(Copied from archive: 25th Aug)

The one thing that happened which is not in the above blog is my cousin’s reaction to my disappointing story.., He had started to like someone and had got their photo in his phone., but after hearing about my downfall he went scared and deleted everything…
and almost everyone I know who had fallen in love had one common suggestion., don’t take it seriously, don’t love her too much., make her fallen in love with you instead. I mean seriously … how is that possible… how can be truthful in such an amazing feeling and still decide how much you can love.., There is no physical manifestation for love, its all in our heads., but so is everything else, if you can or want to really do anything… do it sincerely , don’t be afraid of how far you have come because there is no such thing.

The intense pain that came with the failure took me so low .., it made me take steps which I never would have, look things from a different perspective get on to reading things that I never would… and start this blog., which I might have never would…, talk to people about my feelings and address everyone with honest opinions and brutal truths. Take responsibility for everything, answer every call…start a calendar…

Success follows with fear of failing, while failures comes with a promise of winning.

We never said goodbyes., only GM, GN or GA…
Whatever happens in this world is not a fluke., it not just one time random event, if you wait for it you can see that, it follows you., even the ones you don’t see.

So even after all this drama, I knew that she is a good person and being such will reach back to me and she did ., Charles Bukowski once said “if she loves you its never over”.!
whatever happened or is going to…its not gonna be easy but I don’t want it easy.., I want it to be breath taking., either good or bad…a story worth everything.

Dear universe…
I want to validate the Einstein’s below theory
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves”,😉

(Copied from Archive : 27th Sept)

Following the philosophical journey I decided to trek to Makalidurga with my friend, it was necessary for me to pour my heart out., it was indeed beautiful., showed me that journey is a beautiful thing.., the story doesn’t become great by the ending.. it is great because of the journey it takes.
We sat on the mountain peak hoping to get a drizzle to wash off our sweat and cool us off a bit., and the clouds started surging towards us may be 5km away..we waiting eagerly for it come and reach us .. it was just amazing to see the floating dam in the sky moving towards you .., it gets you scared when you are really there to see the ponds shiver when the rain hits it…so powerful… we were scared by the gusting wind and the enormousness of the cloud.
It happened the cloud took a turn once it came close to the mountain we were sitting on.., it gave us a drizzle filled us with hope and continued on its journey… its such a simple thing but amazing. this alone should tell you that its not a fluke..
After the lunch, we waited for the bus to take us back home., none of them were stopping and Puni was adamant about stopping the bus right here instead of walking to the toll gate., and then comes a vintage Mercedes Benz for which Punith says “It might just be Maruthi 800 fitted with a Mercedes logo…” the car riders took a break for a tea., and when they came back we decided to ask for a lift … just for sake of asking… but the kicker came then… the riders knew who Punith was, while Punith didn’t … we were treated with Dharwad Peda.. and were left at a place to catch the bus home.. but Punith was so delighted by this .. he still after 4months has that cloud as his profile pic.

I have one advice for anybody who wants to love …. Get Deep .., get far enough to loose everything because none of it matters not even life…
You need to be really deep in love with some one to forget everything else and get out of it to know the depth you have been in.,
At the end of October when I was asked to become the so called “Normal Person”, it became painfully real to me the depth I have gone to philosophically and romantically for no good reason.
It was just that day that I realize that my love for her made her so beautiful that by continuing to look at her photo I can destroy myself., I was ready for it.., but it wouldn’t have changed anything.
That’s when I had to cut myself off from this addiction and I did.., I had too..

There are many people in my life starting with my parents who’s reality is built on love for someone other than themselves., I can reason easily with myself about how stupid that we feel love is the most important thing when its just another chemical imbalance.,
but so is the reality itself.. its an imbalance worth having.
I can’t name them here its not my secret to give away., not my story to tell…, but they will know it’s their when they hear it…
here is a gist of it… Everyone has a story…
Some were players to begin with.., fell in love with one person finally got engaged only to see it fall apart and marry someone else..to find that someone else was the one he was always waiting for.
Some were about utilization where people use other’s to get what they want even when they are not interested in their love.., not even as a backup…and finally to find that person who he didn’t want in the first place…
Some are about repression.., where they never go far enough they bind themselves to What Ifs… and see it drift away…thinking the other person will come to them…
{ Just as I am doing right now…, but I have gone too far and now I don’t have a plan…so this is my plan..}
Some take it a bit further than friendship and park it because they are mature enough .., they know it might get difficult if it doesn’t workout ., it’s a logical thing., they feel its just one more thing…
Some take it so darn well they realize its the only thing and commit suicide.., they just couldn’t handle the reality… they make me laugh.
While some die…to prove their love some find their love because the other person died..It begins afresh…
Some feel they can have love if they have money., they run around money and fame because the rest will follow…
Some love .., enjoy… and then go ahead and find the perfect spouse based on a calculation, because they have money ..power is what matters…control is what matters…
Some feel its just a distraction from achieving something bigger..bigger than themselves ..
Some play a lot and then find someone who never played to surrender themselves..
Some feel their job is more important and walk away…too afraid to take up a responsibility..
Some are morally compromised because of pressure from the other person, the conformity of society about their interaction locks them down.
Some just never find it…they get married…this is what our society wants…
Some marry by pure pressure of family., because they are good people… and their parent’s know best..

Player to honesty and the role reversal…
Have seen friends who slipped off because honesty didn’t get them far enough and jump on to the players track of getting girls..
The truth is I started it in reverse and realized… Being Player gets you short term pleasure gets you where you think you want to go faster but when you reach you realize that it was the wrong path… The destination is not where you needed to go…
While the honest track is the longest.., it makes you realize that it’s not the destination but the journey itself which is where you want to be… And destination is just a bonus.
(Copied from archive: 24th Sept)

I am asked out on a date by my universe..,
The only way forward is she takes this seriously and stand from my point of view…Because the addiction will kill me…
If never comes never then I will go on…As practical as I could be as ever…
(Copied from archive: 4th Nov)

I have put universe before me.,
has made my universe realize that I am second…, When you only see her way of things.., she can never see you…
knowing who I am ., I can be sure that I can’t hate anyone and absolutely not her.., that’s not me not in the very core of my being…
So all I can do is take my self out …and hope/wait for her or whoever comes next to realize the alternative to really see me for who I am if ever..,
I am very confident that if for a second they truly see me the only thing that they can ever see is ME.
only then they can have the absolute me. I am selfish this way.
(Copied from archive: 5th Nov)

A person should not be too honest. Straight trees are cut first and honest people are screwed first.

Chanakya

Don’t follow anybody because you will always know you were second.

^ Specially not this line from CHANAKYA ; )

No soul can really see me for who I am…
It’s further impossible to accept me when they see me…
If they can see me and still whole heatedly accept me…
Then there is none other … then the quantum states break down….
Even when you talk to me about me right now you are still seeing my past version… and hence never can know what I truly feel in presence… Only I can know that…
I have deleted almost everything that reminds me of her except for the pics originally shared…Just to see that I have no feelings left for her that can make my heart and pulse race with madness…
I am glad that I don’t remember her number…because that would have been a disaster for the bet I have placed with myself now…
This was never a test I wanted to conduct but looking back I absolutely needed to…
It’s madness…Every logic breaks down in front of love…It clouds every judgement…Every action and every pattern created are just there to confirm that this feeling is forever and for real as the whole of your existence…
My story is beautiful…It seems I was born just for her..
The one before that felt that all of my Taiwan trip was just for her…Somehow this thing gets crazier and crazier…To push beyond limits that I can absolutely convince myself that there is no alternative…
I don’t have any evidence left to prove this but that’s not what I want…I know for sure that I can’t prove it…and more I try to prove something the farther they stand from my point of view….
Last week I was absolutely sure that any more love for (my universe) would have absolutely taken my life …Today, looking back I see how foolish that is….but still insanely real….
I mean I don’t even care that much about myself….Forget any other person… But what could it have been……………… Why that rush.
Love is an addiction that you really have to have to know it.., the absolute will take your life for absolutely no reason…
This is what I had thought yesterday to say to her… When she marries someone…
I absolutely wish that the lucky guy loves her as much as I did and not a bit more.., because if he goes beyond he will die when he loses her…
(Tera ghata song…)
It’s not being sarcastic but realistic…
I still see so many people in my circles crazy about the thing they lost or couldn’t get…Only seeing the magic without knowing it…and only when not seeing it…
This whole drama we are playing just is so funny….Some are running behind money.,some behind love, some for prestige, and some for salvation….
Right now in this very moment of time and space ….I FEEL ABSOLUTELY NOTHING….AND I AM COMPLETELY AT PEACE …..BUT THIS CANT REMAIN….
I am going to inevitably find something…That I have planned to get me crazy….I just don’t know what yet….
Today just imagining the voice of (myuniverse) got my heart racing…Those words..”oh god….” just can get my heart to 200….
I mean she is stupid silly and absolutely confused…
Monkey girl…Still Mann Ki Girl…
But how can that be….It’s bonkers what tricks your mind plays on itself…
I didn’t even flinch when I took the photo with the president of India…How the heck can an imagined voice of a girl crush do that to you…
and just an hour later … I am writing this…
I have convinced myself it’s an illusion… None of it exists.. She can never feel what I felt… So no point to expect it… It’s madness and it’s completely within my mind….
I have nothing to regret….I have left no corner unexplored when it comes to love with (my universe)…., I have gone the whole length and absolutely honest, the universe was there for me every step of the way and it still stands….
I have found absolutely nothing…and realized that everything is right in my mind…..
I have learnt so much …But I am sure I can teach none…Because my job is to go on learning…Not teaching …There are others to do that…
I have left one piece of the puzzle at gowrav.com…., That which will stay there for ever.. To remind me how far I went…
I have started a 6 month bet with the universe…Lets see how that works out…It’s been just 4 days…176 more to go….
One last thing I forgot about the day…
I know I can fall back in love any day now.., and I am looking forward to it.., but what I truly need is a person who can fall in love with me and get out and see both sides of it.., then and only then they have a choice that they can truly make and I can offer myself…
If love is an illusion… and it is as big an illusion as the very existence itself…
I don’t need her.., but if I can still have her…I can happily do that…
What’s the point of life if you can’t truly love someone and not lose oneself in them to find yourself again…. to see the magic by being one…, to appreciate the drama while playing one… To race for the prize while being one.
Remember it’s an illusion…and only I have the ability to make it as real as I want it to be.

(Copied from archive: 9th Nov)

If I lost this bet with the universe .., It would hurt me very much …, I can’t feel the depth of that pain right now.., but I am sure it wouldn’t hurt as much as it would if I never tried…  SO I AM GOING FULL STEAM…

What choice do you have when every choice is going to be wrong one…
NOBODY has the answer…, not in the wildest corners of the internet.., everyone sees their own way.., there are way too many variables to know every single possibility.., most of them have been unsuccessful and have settled.., you too will be…but just make a different choice and see how it fails differently…
DO NOTHING… ? GOWRAV from NOVEMBER 2018 till MAY 2019
{Only choice that has almost 0% probability of working…If you always have played not to win and mostly have won… how to not play to win…???…learn the art of patience without persistence…} Heavy regret
DO ONE THING… ?
patient and persistence {EVERYONE SAYS THEY WANT TO DO THIS}
no patience and no persistence…{EVERYONE DOES THIS}
This has not worked…so far… it has continuously lead to the next option…} some regret
DO EVERYTHING… ? GOWRAV before NOVEMBER
{This can’t be fulfilled… every instance of your every doing will lead a new possibility to conquer… and you end up in the exact spot every time…unfulfilled…but that is what life is keeping yourself unfulfilled… persistence without patience} Absolutely NO regrets…

(Copied from archive: 10th Nov)

If there is next time.., and I surely hope so…
I am going in for a slap or a kiss…
(Copied from archive: 14th Nov)

There is only one person you need to Love, Forgive and Control…
Yourself…
This sounds like the worst thing to say…But if you look at this day it’s the most realistic joke that I will say…
I loved an amazing Girl and she said No..
So I got a bitch to my home….
I love them both…😊…
(Copied from archive: 14th Nov)
(Update from 13th Dec : It was expensive so the later didn’t happen)

There is nothing truly right or wrong in this … , you make your own story… just pause for a moment look back., and see if you want to continue on the same path or change it.. its the looking back that matters the decision comes second, and the destination never does…its goes on forever…

There is very little truth in the sentence that “People Change”..!
I don’t think they do; the very nature of their existence doesn’t allow them to change but they rise to the occasion and change the outcome and that’s all which is needed…. because you are you and you can’t be anything else but if you take a chance when necessary you might change something to make life a bit more interesting.
I am one of the most lazy and unorganized person that you would meet., this has not changed one bit even today., every day my inertia for being Lazy pulls me in but every step of the way I have to consciously make a decision to be in the moment to do what can be done.., its hard sometimes I end up doing the work twice., once completely unorganized way and then  repeat it to bring order, I know from my experience so far that I am a fake in doing what I am doing., but I am trying genuinely to be that fake. From waking up in the morning to circling down the day in the calendar at the end of the day., everything I do is fake…so what..!?
I have a genuine interest of doing it.

The only way I have been able to do this so far is that, every time I come across  something that doesn’t interest me ., I remind myself that I have to do this only this one time., I don’t dwell on the possibility of doing this everyday., but rather concentrate in the moment and do it., because once you have gone to the depth of realizing that whatever you do to change something things come back to its default position., you are stuck.
So build the track as you go, because only now is what matters.

All this experience has got me one thing…, clarity… it has showed me absolutely nothing matters .., you are bound to end ., you can either decide to make something or not make something
Its either “What If..” or “Fuck It.!”., but the later are the stories that make up life a bit more interesting..
When you lose and you will make sure you lose in a whole different way… that its worth a lesson..,

On Oct 10th., I had started this chat for no reason and in the middle of the chat get to know that she is in my home town.,  I was flirting and told her that she could have called me over for dinner.., since she was having nati koli… I ended showing pic of my intern’s having left me to have dinner on the same day… and that I had pulled their leg too for leaving me alone…
And she says… “You are such and *****”
She never wrote the censored word…but we both knew what it was… and she stressed., “…I didn’t want to type it… but needed to be clear….”
She was the only girl to ever not call me an ASSHOLE….
I loved it ..,

When I made a request to the Universe for a chance to get back, I had one doubt in my mind.., What if the universe says you can get back to her now one last time but you are never to speak…or you can meet sometime far in the distance.. which one will I take ?…I guess I said NOW.
I got my chance from punith’s when he shared “Manasa Putra”., the window opened up.
On Friday I got the message from Punith., about the drama.. I decided to ask her and she gives no reply.., Saturdays followup comes with “If its some coldest shows will go..” ., I saw this message early Sunday @ 2:30 and book it.. without actually going back for a confirmation.., I was going alone if she wasn’t going to come…after all the Drama has one of the interesting person to come in my life Siddu..,

She follows up with a question… that our mutual friend has been teasing her that we are going on dates.., and that we didn’t invite him…
She asks me whether it was purposeful that I plan the outing only when he is not available…
I have not..even though I wanted to… “It has happened all by itself…”
But I don’t answer that question…
my project guide had called me for doll exhibit on account of Dasara in her home that day.., there was resonance on her spiritual perception to that of what I was going through., but lets move on..

It was the night I could never forget., Even the organizers knew it was special..👆🏼…they asked why did you book at 2:29am?…it was raining again., this time she made it in spite of all her engagements that day and all I had to do was wait., her first drama ever, my best one so far., we watched only half of it but with her next to me it was complete. I would have gone there alone if she had said no., but she didn’t and she made it., she could have easily said it considering the rain and the traffic but no…
She made it and this is the only reason I could find her number .., I called her once to get her ETA and she called me back once she reached., standing on the first floor entrance while I could watch her from the rain.,
I am nostalgic of her tone when she said “…Oh God.,” seeing me in the rain.. she was irritated or agitated.. I don’t remember what., but just by recalling her name my heart starts pounding.., its amazing..! how she control’s my heart without knowing.
I was surprised to find Siddu in Timma’s part and was proud to see him handle the presentation and introduction of such amazing performance with a house full theater., we didn’t get the seat nor watch it from the beginning .. but its didn’t matter.., and you know why.

After the drama as planned I took her to my brother’s place for DOSA dinner… sadly the batter had already run-out and we finished our dinner at Maiyas with a takeout coffee.
When she saw my brother in the eatery she said that somehow I have seen him before., and i suggested it might because of the generic facial features, and that was it….how this mattered comes up next…

Maiyas incident was interesting because I went on and on about my philosophical nonsense of what I did after the great dip., she didn’t speak much even when I shared my intention for her to open up, its a double bind..,what can you do…, but was listening intently.. I went on …
I told her about my trip with Punith to Makalidurga., as it was one of the coolest one so far., where I got to experience first hand with Punith how the Universe is so amazingly built..at the end of the story I asked her this …
“If I ask you to come for trekking with me .., would you go??” and She thought for a moment and said “YES”… that certainty meant it was already a past., It was as good as having climbed a mountain.,  {I guess that’s all I will get… as the next time I did ask … there wasn’s any response on it.. Things had changed…} … I asked her whether she plans her trip has every interestingly gone out… and she says “..She is an introvert…” …I say…”Its an entitlement..”… I didn’t know what to talk about…so I ended up telling her nonsense…she listened intently..sometimes interrupting why I brought it up.., “…You don’t talk so I have to talk nonsense…”
Sitting in Maiyas close to the window … Her face was all I could look at and smile., and she was curious about my expression, blushing since i was doing that., SHE WAS ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL., finally when the dosa’s had dissolved in our stomach., and we decided to get some hot beverage …Ironically Maiyas was out of coffee… I asked for the cheque, as before she insisted to pay for it.., brushed my hand to stop me from paying… I always let a woman pay when she insists…it dignifies both people… while I couldn’t turn on the tap in the handwash.. she showed me how and said “En Hudganappa…” loved it.
See the MAIYAS are the original owners of MTR., if you look it in that way… the dream came true… Time comes around to your wishes if you hold on to it.
We took a coffee from the neighboring ChaiKraft (for the go…) sat in front of Maiyas .., the crowd and the roads were almost empty by the time ., It was slightly drizzling…
I told her this “I have spoken a lot of nonsense till now, all I wanted to say something very simple which I will do now…” , My heart started pacing so much so I couldn’t contain…, we sat there… and I say “Now I am here the pressure is too much…” , she says “take it easy..” , I continue “Don’t worry .., I am not going to embarrass you…I have done that to my self”.. she looks at me.. I continue “I STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU…and I KNOW THIS IS GOING NO WHERE”...just then my brother calls.., ask me to pick up the bag my cousin had left for me..
I ask him to bring it to MAIYAS.., and then look at her… say “You got it right?”… she nods… and My Expressions are conveyed…!, the universe got me that far.
They say “Life are not measured in years but in moments which take your breath away.”  if that’s true that was moment in front of Maiyas was nothing less of an aeon… I would have easily had a stroke if I had kept it inside for few more mins.
I have visited president of India., shook hands with CEO’s of so many companies.., but never was that shook., and never that peaceful.
I sat there looking at her for some more time ., hoping for it to never end…
My brother comes a little while later, hands the bag and asks where she stays? I had forgotten…so I look at the sky… and says close by..
I come back and say to her that I forgot your place when my brother asked … she says I could make out by your expression… and I say…
“I told him she stays way up there in heaven”.{I still believe she is an Angel}
she says “Jasthi aglilva..”
I revert with “Ok She stays on the clouds…”
her : “hmmm..”
me  : “on the trees…. 😉 “
her : “Vaanara antha helthaidiya…”
me  : “” 🙂 🙂
It had to end .., my phone was now at 5% of its charge., I booked an auto payed online, she booked her OLA share.. took my auto driver number with her phone, just careful to not reveal the name I had given for her… “My Universe”. at which point the phone died.
I had only 10rs in wallet after paying for coffee..
I asked her to inform our friend if I went missing., she said she will find me herself.., but I seem to have no trust in her.,
my reply ” YOU HAVE NO IDEA”..
She was insistent that I leave as my ride was here… I couldn’t … once she got her ride… I got mine and came back home.., It was a beautiful night.

Excert from the day it went south all of it.

Last Tuesday as discussed I went to Hassan for festival., Had one thing in my mind that I will talk to my mom and dad about death…
The reason behind this grim intention was very basic one ., We typically avoid the topic with many superficial ones in our life’s about money, success and politics…Given that my mom and dad had a brush with severe health problem and an accident this past year and that my uncle didn’t make it last year …I felt better have things open and about and not regret if something happens unexpectedly…
Much to my surprise dad was with a cold and body pain and lethargic because of it..On Tuesday.
I didn’t disturb him as he was already asleep on Tuesday night… Thought the time will come..
Wednesday we had planned to dust off our store in hassan and prepare everything for Pooja on for Thursday..
Mom went for Office on Wednesday as usual..
I had bank work.., dad went to the store.
By the time I came back from bank to store for helping he had come back and was resting/sleep at home… Without cleaning anything…
Not quite active at all…He slept on the floor lazily without appetite and I got on the cot..
After few mins he started saying that this time he wouldn’t come for store pooja as he feels to week and few days after which he was supposed to be a chief guest for a small function and he wanted me to get both things done all by myself…
I felt kind of weird since he always was the one carrying out the pooja in the store and never did anything like this for 30years now..
I slept their for 5mins with tear in my eyes on how to start…And felt couldn’t get better opportunity and spoke to him on whether he was afraid of death…Very emotional for both of us..We both cried ….obviously…
He said that he wasn’t afraid of death but wanted his wife(my mom) to be taken care of after his death…As she had left everyone from her family and sacrificed so much for our family….(crazy guys love each other but squabble now and then…I guess that’s chemistry…)
We spoke for more than 2hrs on emotional roller coasters of his and mine …I non inadvertently told him about you and the crush before you and what followed😢…and assured him that now things are in better perspective for me…And even though I have feelings for this girl ..I am content with things moving nowhere and happy to have her company when possible…
He was eager to know more about your family but I shot him down on this…
In a whole…The interaction was quite productive we had good laugh about the lot of details in the making…I was reassured that to open up and talk was indeed the best even when it’s very much non conformal in nature and embarrassing…
Somehow he found convalescent from the whole thing he did the pooja the next morning…We did plenty of work together which I never did before…and he started kindling my bro (who has no idea) on how I was changed by Buddha s preaching…;).
The day after this..my uncle sat my brother down in front of all, to question why there was delay in his marriage.., and asked him to tell if he had someone in mind…Which as usual my brother declined (liar)…
Further they told that I (family fox) can also let know if I have anything in mind… Eagerly waiting that this question will come I frankly told “my girl rejected me” {very proudly..}…And I will intimate them if there are any love stories in future…
All were awed by my answer., Dug a bit deeper right then to find mom only knew about you and dad knew about both girls…
They wanted to know whether their were more than what was told and whether they needed to get involved…But I shot them down …
Whole trip to Hassan was a spiritual success…
So these days even though I am sad and do long for you…I am generally happy about everything…
……
Now why I am telling you all this..
…..
Today my dad has restarted searching girl for my brother and apparently has asked to put my bio details in there too…,
Even though I was confident about finding my own girl…
the moment he enquired my bio to share I went completely sweat less..
I got confused and angry… called him to tell not to do it and that I will find my girl on my own..
30 mins later he called (our mutual friend)…
I completely freaked out…was sweating bullets ….
Thinking he might ask for more details on you and your parents..I have no idea on what part of my non-date is known to your family and I don’t want this to get bad for you in anyway…..
….strangely the call wasn’t about that…He spoke about car problem…But somehow I feel this is superficial…. my father is trying to play me somehow…
I will block any future advances…
But if it breaks I completely support you to put all blame on me.,and do what you feel is right for you..
——————––——————————
(our mutual friend) is also set on selling me to you in the next trip you guys (3 friends) have planned ….
I had no say in this…
But it would be nice to see how he sells me…
He has done it before for my IQ…Now for EQ..
——————––——————————
I am sad but am completely content on what we have now…And I don’t want to loose this ….And am hoping for the same …

(Copied from archive: 27th Oct)


for the above message…
She responded by saying “everything else is fine., but why you had to talk about death..”
I come back with philosophy of pain and death… and how I have a blog but it started irritating her… I stopped.
I comment on her nephews photo..,of how he seems confused like me…
She says “why”.., and I give some lame reason why he is confused..
she asks “why I am confused…?”
I say “…because of lot of things..but she is among it too..”
She says “that’s what I didn’t want you to say..”
I begin to tell her about the blog..then…
she says “..Beda, I am out…”
I got the firm NO there…
I ease out and say I won’t discuss that any more..she says..
“….I will wait for that day….infact a normal person…”
This sentence..! … It truly broke me… It changed me in an instant…but why…? she was not wrong…so what happened…?
It stopped what was flowing in my heart for so long in an instant…
the next day’s conversation I initiated comes with a question
“did you just start the conversation for just talking…” it stung…
it now feels worse and worse…
I had nothing to say but truth…
“I had done it before when she never asked…, but now for a genuine reason she though otherwise..”
It wasn’t her fault… the question was stupid .. it was an inside joke which apparently came up on two places one in wreck it ralph sequel and one more in friends status update…  about “WIFEY”…
it ended there again…

Few days later I had an experience that scared me., I have become so acceptable of the fact of loosing, failure and death that when the transition started .., I talked too much about it., started to connect dots… the thing is people don’t want you to tell them about it… they feel you are suicidal…
When my aunt visited in October end and we went shopping I was having this “so far..” discussion with my cousin…, I don’t remember what I actually said.., but she was looking at me all scared.. she looked as if she staring at death … pure fear in her eyes..
and that scared me…

I knew I had gone too far .., I felt this exact feeling … As if I was standing there naked unafraid …, but everyone looking at me was scared…. now I am scared because they are so scared of me…

I had to say something ….. so I say this to my cousin and the universe when I come back home …
“I have realized I have went too far spiritually.., I have gone too deep.., by reading SUBTLE ART OF NOT GIVING A FUCK..but there is no book to tell you how to do the reverse… How to get out of it… but I know I will get out of it…and sorry if I scared you”
My cousin says “OK”.
my universe responds with  “..lol, I was never truly scared.. but yeah… you were not yourself…”
Her profile pic that night at a wedding gala was extremely beautiful…
I knew then it was making me adrift……I didn’t know what to do…
I started deleting every chat, photos and backup ever of her…there were 3500 chats.. and some 15pics…, but that had been enough… It was too hard to do it… I knew that now I am going to loose everything….but sincerely though how can you loose something which you never had..

One last dare in Nov.., I don’t know why I did this … after 3 or 4 days … I decided to ask one thing … which she had already said YES to…
Morning I leave her one single message starting with GM salutation…
I told her that I have asked you before but not its a bit weird considering what went on..but if you are interested we can go for a trekking …to bunch of places to choose from and in month of December., January or Never…and a promise not to have an emotional baggage…”
Comes back with
“GM” as response… after having the certainty of seeing that it doesn’t follow any response…I left the chat window with “Good Afternoon :)”
Then went ahead and deleted the number…!! lost for sure I knew…

The art of winning is to play, no matter how certain you are at a specific outcome, because the best one’s are those which has 100% certainty of loosing. Change strategies but never give up…even when its not working…
I have a running bet with my cousin., this accounts to the first letter of the girl’s name we both marry .. he has chosen S and I have chosen G., The farther the letter from the chosen one you loose 1k INR for every letter from an assured sum of 24k INR.
I don’t see any way of getting this girl but still the bet is certainly going to be an interesting one., its a bet of ridiculous certainty.

Mark Manson says in his book SAONGAF that Love is like a cocaine.., I couldn’t really grasp what he was referring to…
until I started to feel its absence in me when the withdrawal kicked in. Songs and music are amazing for that they can push the boundaries of your emotions..
I have heard many songs but these 2 have utterly made me cry..
sambandada sulive illa song – Supreet
Tera Ghata – gajendra verma
but listening to songs does nothing significantly good..,they just push your emotions a bit further and raise your internal confidence.., unless you use it while you do something…just listening to it is non sense.
I am out of that cocaine phase now.., but I know I can easily fall once more..

…not all of us are musicians…

There is an interesting things here ., despite our intentions in one way or the other my Universe, me and our mutual friend never came face to face.., even when we were under a single roof… a year ago…
Waiting to see that how this happens…

Every step of the way I have bet against myself., starting from idea to prank my friend which backfired., to stopping his intervention to talk my universe into reconsidering me.., I even went so far as to tell that there was a coo to get her to me, I really see how stupid I am, but I couldn’t allow it….
I have made her aware of my dark secrets.,  she was the perfect stranger, still is… I couldn’t care less of what she felt about me., it was easy and comfortable to remove the mask and for the moment be myself.
the one which follows will iterate that..,

If her words…
“…. infact a normal person…”
Did hurt me one level deep… And on the surface I tried to become normal instantly that night… Got lighter and heavier by the second…
Why does today feels that those words rooted deeper than I had thought off…
I know she is silly to find a normal person when the word person is fake…
I feel that she will one day long after everything will realize the game that I see today…
But still amazed myself to see that somehow the place I am right now came from the words that started it… How can I not see myself changing to be a normal one without noticing when I see everything…
Why I am still trying to see from her point of view… When I know it’s impossible… To know…
What power does she hold… What did I loose…
Being open even when it was too much has made sure that I don’t need any record of what I said.. Because it exactly went as I said..
When it all began
I couldn’t have got her..
I did everything I could and still not get her…
Now I am left with one option..
This is my own Zen quote..
When you did everything that could be done and you couldn’t go further… The only logical thing to do is to do nothing…
And I see both the outcomes clearly as they could be… That both couldn’t be possible
I am fixated on one thing that I will say yes.. To whatever comes across no matter how painful it is… Or painful things it could lead in to… And not do anything more… If never or ever…
Until something significantly changes.
When I know that she has lost me… Why I feel she somehow controls me…
I am back to a place where almost nothing interests me but somehow everything gets me.
I know that there is lot that others will learn that I have gone in and out off… It’s brilliant that somehow it gets to me when I am sure it can’t….
Let’s keep this going… It’s just getting started.

(Copied from Archive : 12th Nov)

I will go to the marriage if I get an invite..
If not no..
No presents obviously
If she comes back then only thing that I can confidently say is…
I will make it worth while…
But none if these lights will ever see the light of the day

(Copied from Archive : 16th Nov)

16:20 :: 17th Nover 2018
The time to get back to…
Happy that it happened scenario happened today…
All things are going in a very positive curve right at this point in time and space
(Copied from Archieve : 18th Nov)

I know that I am just holding on to the inevitable… It doesn’t hurt as much as it did…
I am just holding on to hurt to prevent myself from moving on…
In her words this is not fine.. Not normal…
Why am I doing this…
When this goes to prove nothing…I have no intention of proving anything..
Belief vs Faith
Lief an Anglo-Saxon origin word for Wish.
Belief is freverent hope that certain things are true.
Faith is an openness of attitude, a readiness to accept the truth whatever it may turn out to be.
It is the commitment of oneself to life, to the universe, to one’s own nature as it is, in the realization that we really have no alternative.
Where do I stand…
I want to be on the Faith’s end…

(Copied from Archieve : 21st Nov)

Slow Down for Wild Life
It seems to cheesy when a heart restarts by hearing to the cry of the beloved one…
But I have felt my heart beating faster by just imagining the voice in my head…it opens up when I see her picture or look into her message…
So is that really far fetched?
Watching agnisakshi today…Feeling pathetic about my feelings when I cried😂😂
I don’t have to hate her or love or life…
Just find something to love…. The starya and airpaper seems a good start
Atleast for next 2 months
(Copied from Archieve : 22nd Nov)

Went to manjunatha temple..(24th Nov)
Sensed my 42… And have left the responsibility on the universe to figure out… And I am content with the outcome..
Power might come from taking responsibility.. but it can be scaled when you let others handle a situation and can be content in the outcome…
Life is like a chocolate… The more you have it the less you have…
So what do you do?
(Copied from Archieve : 27th Nov)

Stephen Colbert and Neil Tyson
Says… It’s better to know.. And be the light for others or the supernova in the cosmos
So when should you stop…???
I feel you should stop when the outcome tends to be certain… Because it becomes more lifeless the more certain it gets…

(Copied from Archieve : 28th Nov)

This is a horrible story ., it’s going to paint me with a sadistic color, but its all real and I accept it.
During my vacation in Mysore between 17th and 22nd Nov ., I was reminiscing about the implication of becoming “Normal Person” , not some one serious…,I thought and spoke to the universe that if something bad happens in her family specifically a illness or a death would she still feel the same way or would it give her a reflection to change…? further to add to this the few day’s later when I was in my cousin’s home watching Udaya music I saw the following astrology predictions for that day.
Capricorn: …good news from friend….
Aquarius : … problem with parent’s health…
this cracked me up on the possibility that a father’s rashi has a good indication of health while the son/daughter’s has bad indication of his fathers health… how can that be true…!

4 days later, I am back from 10day’s vacation and our mutual friend gives me the news that the father of my love had a heart attack., I was like seriously??? and was amused by it., you can easily get me wrong for saying this but the place I stand right now I see death as just another chapter which happens, like every other chapter where we have an illusion of control and never really know about how it happens or what follows., we make an educated guess on how things can proceed…but really its just one of the infinite possibilities.. what amused me was that out of such great set of possibility somehow things happen when you think about it.

I don’t have remorse for my thinking, but was eager to see him once and talk to her., this is so egotistic of me to somehow interfere when I have nothing real to offer…, with so many responsibilities she might be handling I was simply a nuisance but It pained me so much that I had to repeatedly ask our mutual friend to take me there only reason of me not going there alone was to avoid the awkwardness she and her family will have if I did.

I had deleted all photos and chats of her nearly 3500 of them and removed every possibility of getting back her contact.., so I had to ask my friend to give up the number which he didn’t ., this caring idiot thinks he is protecting me or her., I don’t really know… but he didn’t even confirm when I asked him by finding it on my postpaid bill which was only there because of our third date ..(the date to never forget)…

I finally called her that night only to get disconnected with a busy tone., may be she was occupied but it was a sign that it was the right number.., I had so much confusion on what to say and the busy answer just took that out of my hand.,
Since there was no callback, I followed the next morning with a message to reach-out if necessary for any medical emergency and with a response of “ok ,sure thank you”.

Even with so many possibilities that came up during this time and my request every time it occurred to take me there, my friend’s reluctance left me with out a way to go further., and I surrendered. May be it was for the good but it was very painful.

I am thankful that he is safe and is recovering, but both ways its a miracle…, Its a chance for all including me to look back smile and take the next big step courageously.

She would be going through hell and yet she doesn’t need you…
No matter what follows you will realize that…
You shiver at her thought and hearing the spoken words…
You are a fool for hoping to help … You are narcissistic ass as always.
She is looking majestic even if she is kicking the hell underneath… You are a fool to wait for anything when it’s clear as a crystal…
Don’t go because… You know…
Going is easy for you… You can absolutely do it…
Have content in whatever happens…
You have done everything even before you realized you needed to do it…
?…………
I strongly feel like I should go visit her at the hospital… and I know what ever others feel I can visit., It doesn’t bother me…
But I am convincing my self not to…and this is hurting me…
Is that OK.😢

(Copied from Archieve : 1st Dec)

My intense desire to visit her at hospital vanished at eod after talking to sachin.
Sachin says all good things…But restrains me from visiting her…
I got to know my brothers proposal went to her…Just as I suspected it might…
She checks my account because of this…
My bro knows the truth and still in my side..
She tells that I called but doesn’t call back..However discuss why I called with sachin…
Today is 3rd Dec….6 months from and to

(Copied from Archieve : 3rd Dec)

3days later on Dec 6th I donated blood at MSRIT RSS blood camp.., was it what I wanted…didn’t it happen just then…

What choice do you have when every choice is going to be wrong one…NOBODY has the answer…, not in the wildest corners of the internet.., everyone sees their own way.., there are way too many variables to know every single possibility.., most of them have been unsuccessful and have settled.., you too will be…but just make a different choice and see how it fails differently…

No matter what anyone say… we humans really don’t know what we want, we believe it to be most important until we get it., and then realize that the alternate was better.. and when the get the other one.., they are still not satisfied. So never regret not following someone or something., I seriously advice to make your own path…

Coming from a small town I understand that we end up knowing almost everyone in one form or other if we stayed there long enough.,But this incident is interesting because of the time within which it took place or at-least I got to know.
When I took her out on the third date night, the only reason for us to visit my brother’s eatery might probably be this…
a week after that things took a turn that was necessary where I was freely able to share lot of these things with my family., who were very supportive and offered to take things further if I felt like it. Being me, I didn’t chose that route., but a few days later due to my friends intervention my father got upset and decided to use a broker to look for bride for both of us at which point I confronted and got myself of the hook and the search for the bride began for my brother. Now this is interesting because very recently i.e, on Dec 02nd our mutual friend tells me that my brothers proposal had reached her via a broker, and that she felt that he might be my brother and confirmed the same by visiting my account…this my friend put’s in a very serious tone feeling I might get hurt., but I found it not surprising or a s a shock but amusing.., since only weeks before I had thought of this possibility and understood the consequences that it could entail.., I was ready for it. When this happened I had a good laugh with my brother and cousin’s of what had happened. I knew that there was a small chance it can go any further because of how everyone involved sees the situation and also because I had told her everything about my brother and how he is a playboy literally…
She apparently said to our mutual friend that her parents had rejected all the proposals and not her.., and that one of her friend married a boy whose proposal had come to her and that got rejected by her or her family.. now her friend knows about it so she is pesky about why her hubby was rejected…. that’s something to explain about 🤣…,
Now the flip side came a week later i.e, 10th Dec when one of the co-worker suggested something which I hadn’t anticipated or couldn’t have ., a what if situation where… he said it would have been like cadbury shots ad for her “Mann me laddu phuta??”, now this stung me but it shouldn’t have.., He was a good sport and said that he didn’t mean to hurt me. I know the story is funny but it wasn’t for that instant., its amazing how the same story from a different perspective can give you a sense of power or oppression., the same night my friend Manoj told me his brush with a similar sting about a bike from one of his co-workers., that cracked me up,and now I am at peace.

One’s pain is another s pleasure, but you could be that other person.

For a long time I never dreamed of her., but recently it happened., I had 3 of my crush appear in 3 different scenarios, the childhood crush was married and was having a family who recognized and invited me to meet her family.
The Taiwan girl came in to the restaurant where I was with my universe and our mutual friend, while the Taiwan girl sat in the restaurant waiting for me to come back. I wanted to have a conversation with my universe but she was very hesitant and finally left without saying anything..
She was the girl to walk out even in my dream…

remark on 13/12/2018
Last 24hrs have been particularly interesting….
one of my close friends had a baby., miracle in itself, but the day was memorable because of the things he had been waiting for came to him without his intervention alongside that one of his biggest clients visited him., One of my friend got the girl “I asked her and she said yes..”,
Sankashtakara Ganapathi is now on Youtube, Manasa Putra is up for rerun on 23rd Dec., My brother has shown interest to move thing further with a proposal, I got a call from Pune, AIR for DRM development continuation, Fhg is now drafting a contract to avail our support… almost everything I touched up on in this post draft., was reiterated in last 24hrs.., everything which brought me to here in the first place.

This post is not gonna be colorful but will be honest to the best of my knowledge., I don’t know whats coming.,  but I am ready for it.
I am running this marathon with my universe for 6 months., with agenda of taking action on things that I can change while accepting those which I cannot.
It might end soon.., but how can it end when it has never begun.
Its the pain I like to endure, to see whats possible., to be surprised…

Just by coincidence I saw this photo few seconds ago….
I completely understand that its true..
but so are the boys…,
independent of who it is when heart make that leap…
I don’t think the logic matters… its uncontrollable…
Its possible I am that person who made that mistake.., who misused her trust.., for which I have no answer…

updated : 22nd Feb
👈🏼 apparently this is why our maid is not with her family..

How can I persist and be still?
I have done everything I can ever do., nothing could have happened in ways other than what it did.
The outcome has almost become certain in the way I have chosen.., so now I have made a choice to take a chance else the outcome can never change.
Universe is doing everything it can.., From the start everyone suggested to give it more time. Now all I can do is just that., Time I believe is non-linear.
Even Lion needs a friend .., but it needs to be a lion not a monkey.! or does it ? why do you need what you already have ??
I haven’t done anything against nature, although it wasn’t normal but it was always honest.
I have no remorse or regret., there is no “What If…only Fuck that”.
When I know how to achieve something beyond certainty, its as good as its done.. here the road follows the one outlined in “BettadaJeeva” by Shivram Karanth.
I don’t believe in Success or Failure, they are both momentary, one day you will reach them, it doesn’t build a great story…it just ends.
I need the struggle, the game, the adventure as long as it takes…
I don’t need her., but if I can have anything then its her.

The archive I was pretty sure deleted.. showed up today…, when I searched for Internship Letter…
Seems the past is haunting me …. so here it goes…, I have tried protecting the identities…

Life is but a fleeting moment, enjoy now and only now

Death

I thought I had finished almost everything to write.., and the day came today., I don’t have to mention this day… because it doesn’t feel significant..but I am mentioning it here for the exact reason.
The day of Equinox 21st December 2018., VU2DEV passed away today.,we had scheduled a meeting in our office and he didn’t make it…very unlike him…
I told sachin before leaving GST…
“I will not wait .. ping me if he comes … and I will come…”
that was very unlike myself too.

I got the news after 20mins of leaving office.., I felt absolutely nothing..,
I have spoken and traveled along with him.., he didn’t bother much…he was silly sometimes..naughty…I have just gone to his office to sit and chat..for no good reason….
everybody thought I would be sad..but I wasn’t … It was just serene…
we all went and saw him in the morgue… met him only last year.. He was pretty amazing… I liked him…He tried pushing us to get something done…, he was a bit angry that I hadn’t completed the work…but I liked him….
He knew , I knew… most people knew… but no one knew that it was going to be today… that’s the beauty …. So live just one day…as he did….live Today.

If the master dies and the disciple grieves, the lives of both have been wasted.

https://goo.gl/6KqKPX

Suicide is for the ones who don’t have trust and faith in the universe…it can happen with anyone ..,and you can’t save them..,only they can. Just hold On.

Listening to Linkin Park today one thing is getting stronger in my mind.., Entitlement is evil… it needs you to do nothing…and gets you nothing…
If you need something you need to do something.. So in my case I firmly believe that I got everything that was required and so is my universe.., but now…If I need more I have to go and get it.., but that is easy…and that’s what I don’t want.
I want it to come to me…and that’s stupid and completely illogical.., but that’s what I want…. there is less than 1% chance of that happening…I am taking this entitlement…

A person who feels pain and problem’s come to them., seek god., but one who realizes its within them…become god.

god

“karma is a bitch…” there are two ways of looking at this …the first way is what we typically all know.., that if you do something wrong then you will reap the consequences… which sounds like a terrible thing…
but the other way is that when you do something good the good follows you …. like a female puppy… which is beautiful….
Today my mind took 2 things into account at 2 different time of the day and came with 2 amazing emotions. Our cook who calls me brother .. today said that she likes working for our house and if I get married and live separately with a girl she can come cook for us both.., further she said that she can clean the house if my would-be insists on cooking for us couple by her self…, I found it amusing and was pleasantly happy…. this kind of kept my day high…that someway I have seemed to be a good guy….and a person is really appreciative of it..
until I got a call at 9pm.,
the call was from the same cook she asked me to boil the curry before sleeping … which she had said before…..but the emotion in my head after the call has started to scare me..,the cook who comes to our home has a troubled past., and its something which can’t be imagined by lot of the people … she has 2 kids who she can’t see because her husband has the custody of the kids…., she lives alone and she is in her 30’s maybe .,
I know I am contemplating the future based on the past..which is why I am brushing this off as a joke .., while evaluating the possibilities .., I sincerely hope not to change my routine because of this ..,
I am almost standing in a position from where my crush told me that “this is what I didn’t want you to say..” whatever happens will be witnessed..
Karma ensues…

I had ~160ml of SmirnOff vodka yesterday at puffy’s home… I was conscious about getting the kick or having to throw up…, but was completely fine of-course it hurt my insides a bit but not as much as I thought it would be.. the interesting part is that is before new year.., my uncle called me just after we went to the bar and before we could come back to the home for the kicker… It was a delightful conversation where he said he was calling not to disturb his son in laws …who work too hard….!!., This is my first drink which I have taken on no purpose yet completely on my decision after a long 10years..
my intention was to drink a beer in the new year… and was half sure about drinking it on new year party which had none…but it happened…
The following day my universe pinged me to wish new year.., I left the same message which I left my friend punith who took me on a trip to Gokarna and Udupi the previous weekend.., interestingly she updated her DP today in which she holds a glass of drink at a party.., hmm… interesting…

My cousin called me in the morning and asked me to check up on my father today., as the fever and headache that is recurring seems to be symptom’s of jaundice which is related to liver…, the karma colloquial quote took me by surprise today.., it gripped me for half a day.. I am trying to get out of that as I write this..,

Today I am going through a daze of vibrations., the point I see is that there is a route where you tackle the challenge and love the challenger for the challenge.., to risk the very thing for that is what is most important… may it be relations, love or any material pleasure…

I was in a doubt of not knowing when the calling comes of whether my universe wants me or not… but now I am solidifying on my one resolve.., I need my calling to be loud and clear and when it comes I am more than happy to die in it.., but I am not suicidal for it…

I scratched an itch today.., I peeked into the trio message group on my friends phone… I didn’t read the message though.., but had that wishful thinking of seeing what the universe has to say.., seriously I need to get over this.., the more I do this the more possibility for the itch to turn into wound.

I am going to ask her on a date on Feb/14/2019., 38 days from now
No clue what will happen by then.., but it doesn’t matter.

Its easy…,now hard thing is not do the above… (as Christina Perri would say)
I know I can’t take one more step towards you
‘Cause all that’s waiting is regret…

No blueprints … so no Plans…

I took my first ever bank loan on 10th Jan 2019., its a 3 year commitment…seems as usual… I am loosing the feeling of loving or being loved by my universe (which never did exist) slowly.., the fancy is all gone … but the faith remains and I am praying with patience to witness a miracle… so I felt its apt to mention one last time before it fades away completely.., that I absolutely love her right now and have been so for past 6 months.., because knowingly or unknowingly she brought a change in me just 3 months for a life of 3 decades that which was not possible even by my parents.., I love the ability to change that has come to me… not many words can describe the entirety of this madness but LOVE and it itself can’t.

I am in Delhi today.., beautiful girls everywhere.. its not my place here but I like this.., day by day its becoming stupid(prost)ly obvious that the story ends here and any day I will hear from Sachin that the story has ended.. but I will go on and finish this marathon.

I am the worst guy for her right now.., wishing that the life corners her.., now and then I keep going back to thinking about the bad things that could happen to people she cares about and how difficult it can get for her so that she can really see the light through the hole (pun intended). 🙂

3 girls have come in my life…
S – Selectively Open, I tried but didn’t want
R – Never Open, I tried but couldn’t get
P – Always Open, never tried.

Now the paradigm is that the more I want something the farther I will get from it.., I have physically blocked myself from going closer to it.., but now its time to mentally block myself from it… that’s how I can get myself a surprise …, the surprise I know by not knowing… I want it to be a surprise to lot of people…to help them realize the power of Belief and Patience not just in words…but in actions….
So I am now confused on what to do…. I request the universe to help me….
take me through the roads to truly forget where I have been…

Once you start a working on something, don’t be afraid of failure and don’t abandon it. People who work sincerely are the happiest.

Chanakya

Hey Universe…, Thanks for the amazing journey so far… I know I have put lot of pressure on you… I am at content with the journey … I would still love to see the miracle unfold…but I don’t want you to put stress on it… I have all the time to wait… I will honor all my commitments to you made here and every other place Gokarna, Pura, Udupi, Mathura, Vrindhavan, Agra, CP – Mandir…and the most easiest DEATH. I am at peace when you are…so go on wish the very best to my love.. and carry on with your deed. I am open to everything..! but I am holding myself from opening up till June 3rd., under any circumstance.

I am happy right now…, this happiness is not materialistic but very personal … it is the result of letting things go..
I came to another important realization today.., we don’t quit because its hard.. we quit because we realize that the outcome is not what we wanted.
My cousin is quitting his hotel business not because of the loss which is what he insists on but because he wants to build a business which is honest to its core and legal in every way., he is finding it hard to work as he is the lack of it.

I guess my story is also similar., I wanted my relationship with my universe to be of love but ended up with one which had excitement, pleasure, honesty, uncertainty but just not mutual love only unrequited .. while my universe was content with-out love … I just couldn’t hack it… I quit on it..

End of the first month of 2019., Today looking back seems that I have done more than I thought I have and that too for know intention of my own nor to please someone… Started the month with the alcohol kick in the gut,sent a honest reply to my girl, officially received my DL for 2 wheeler and 4 wheeler riding, had an honest meeting with my team, exhibited an Idea and a product in my first EXPO, made an impact (or so I think), took my family on their first Flight Trip to Delhi, took my first loan ever, now letting go of one more onion ring that covers me..

I am not a pure person as the society expects someone to be, but I am the purest of me., I watch porn and masturbate so does lot of people that have come in my life… just like lot of things in society that are considered non conformal along side drinking, smoking and adultery I see it as a part of life., there is no good or bad ..it just is., some things that I see are specifically taboo but somehow speaking about it seems to convey dishonesty to lot of the people than doing it.., which they do…and it baffles me…and it doesn’t matter.

I realized something today .., after going through all that motions in this journey I started wanting to unite with my universe.. I failed to realize a simple thing “she didn’t even call once.,” that should have enlightened me 🙂

This was a step up in my game…
It was the first level up when I spoke about death to Gagana and my Universe whose reaction scared me… But my Puffy friend was very cool and confident about the whole thing in fact he guided me through this…Yesterday during our conversation about light gravity and universe…we came across exploration of man inwards and outwards…Where he feels there is an end to the inward journey and that has been achieved by the enlightened people like Swami Vivekananda and Shankaracharya…Who spoke of Aham Brahmasmi… For which I said that isn’t the end it’s just a perspective and Aham Brahmasmi … EGO GOD is the way of living which I am doing today… They weren’t ready to accept…If that was the case they feel I am a great yogi… for which my reply is …Yes I am.
I am very confident of this than the discussion about the physics and Light and Gravity…
copied from achieve (3rd Feb 2019)

Seems my friend had a really massive chest pain on 2nd Feb.., so I am letting the universe know that he was a teacher before and he is a student now.., don’t do anything stupid like with my RF guru..,
give my new student wisdom to learn more and me courage to strive more.

Managing loss can only be done when you experience it…, it seems my truer inner want takes over in the moment of event..,then I have to bring it back because its the only way. I had a dream today and she showed up at my doorsteps understandably not for me but the me in the dream was moved by the possibility of not seeing her that I ran to the hall half naked to see her and stopped just before I could see her face..,came back to the room..and woke up.

felt different yesterday with the dream of letting go.. sent message as follows expected every possibility that could happen including nothing, not disappointed.. continuing on..

The reply came today., it felt cold and disconnected., couple of exchanges but the funny thing was that my hands were shaking even when my mind was still and the heart racing as usual., ended the conversation with a meet up request at her will.,
I feel it won’t fulfill but should I still try and ask her out as my girl?

what are you still afraid of loosing when you have lost yourself…

Under the suggestion of my puffy friend., I am waiting till Saturday to ask her out but I am anxious … so this is the deal… I am going their as a friend and nothing else.., don’t keep any expectations.., its to understand how she feels about things and not about me…nothing to do with me..

better yet trust her … and wait.

SWOT Analysis 😂 – focus on the unimportant stuff.
S – I can take any position, ability to distract myself (I think I can)
W – Overcompensate, Over-talk, Overshare..
I get depressed again and get anxious about everything (I can deal with this)
O – Seems zero at this point., but It might be a delightful day, good food, explore places and see if you can be calm around her and a casual friend
T – She gets more repressed by my attitude and moves (which is fine)

Amazing day., I went to puffy s office and met his wife, daughter and himself.., I didn’t initiate but the conversation went across my Saturday’s plan..
Puffy’s wife is suggesting to go full out and tell my girl to marry me..and that I can talk if she wants me to talk to her parents…when I meet her…
Puffy’s wife also discussed the same with Puffy who told.., “you have already lost her what else is there to loose…?
…this gives me all the go I need…this is not about finding closure..,its the action I am required to take., I am in peace right now.

I am doing exactly that.., I just hope that I get this one date.

Today I woke up with a bit of panic about marriage and its implications about marriage., I see why most people who are not married but about to are so much in confusion about the future about marriage.., I am there right now.., It feels good to be in this panic.., I don’t have a solution, I even don’t know what I would do if she says YES.., I am prepared for a NO and NO is easy its just is that dead end., but I so much want her to say YES.., give me an opportunity to figure this out..

14th was a pretty good day, saw the burial place of Gubbi Veeranna (an apt person considering the title of this post…) in Gubbi, Tumkur. Coincidentally attended Katte’s marriage, met our heros from Tumkur., Guitar Chandru, Siddu and his wife, Darshan and Santhosh and a bunch of lovely people

Yesterday I told my MOM and DAD in the most unusually casual way that I am asking the girl to marry me.., they feel I am in love and opposed to asking her for marriage if not since the “HESARU BALA” didn’t match., DAD said he can’t marry me until my brother is done or we can just do whatever we want…but is figuring out things in his head., keeps asking about her family., I have answered him on every single point that I know, MOM is on a firm belief that she will not allow me to marry before my brother but do ask she told. spoke to my bro as well he said “Kall yesyad yasi… don’t get serious.”. Today I have sent the message to meetup..lets see..

Huh

Nothing happened…no reply received.. my mom is still trying to align me in ways she wants.., to wait for my elder brother to get married .., she even tried to bring the discussion to my aunt who weighed in., but I have stayed clear on my intentions but apparently the universe has different plans.., here is my message that I sent to my parents.

ಜೀವನದಲ್ಲಿ ನೀವು ಮಾಡಿದ್ದು ತಪ್ಪು ಅಂತ ನಿಮಗೆ ಅನ್ನಿಸಿದ್ರೆ ನೋವು ಅನುಭವಿಸುವುದು ನೀವೇ…ನೀವು ಮಾಡಿರೋದೆ ಸರಿ ಅಂತ ನಾನು ನಂಬಿದ್ದೇನೆ..ಅದಕ್ಕೆ ನನ್ನ ಮೇಲೆ ನನಗೆ ನಂಬಿಕೆ ಇದೆ…ನಿಮ್ಮಮೇಲೆ ನನಗೆ ಹೆಮ್ಮೆ ಇದೆ..ನನ್ನ ನಿರ್ದಾರಗಳು ಸಮಾಲೋಚಿಸಿ ತೆಗೆದುಕೊಂಡವೆ ಹೊರತು…ದುಡುಕಿ ಅಲ್ಲಾ…ಸಮಾಜಕ್ಕೆ ಹೆದರುವವನು ನಾನಲ್ಲ… ನನ್ನ ಮೇಲೆ ನಿಮಗೆ ನಂಬಿಕೆ ಇದ್ದರೆ ಸಾಕು… ಸಮಾಜವನ್ನು ನಾನು ಬದಲಿಸುತ್ತೇನೆ.
– ಅಪ್ಪು

Say NO Respectfully.., its a mutually respectful word. I felt GV in TeraGhata song at the end did something because of hate., I feel differently today seems he declined not because of hate but because of the respect.

We all have a brand new page to write our story everyday., don’t let past be its foreword note., let only present talk.

My RF guru had asked me to remove the ring from my finger on our last meeting, he had said that you won’t get married if you wear a ring and I was very much interested to challenge that.., Yesterday I removed it

A NO today could become a YES tomorrow., I am not denying that.., but don’t hold your breath on it…, and a NA (No Answer) is a NO without courage.

It seems that I have tried and pushed things farther and farther., it feels a bit empty today.., I hold on to the fact that it needs to get empty to fill something., puffy’s business adventure kind of belittled my worries of not getting a response from the universe.., but its there why does it hurt still….
my body still aches, seems too late now…, but there was nothing that I could have done.., now was it.., it had to end. she couldn’t accept.,just stall that’s it.
It seems I overestimated my ability to see the things beyond., I have done things that I wouldn’t have done logically., I feel like in the middle of abyss right now…

Glanced on the markmanson 5 values … My troubles seem too miniscule… There are a million girls of the same age in India alone.. Why did my problem seem that big… Now it’s not…
Surya kiran plane crashed today…nagesh s friend s friend died… I felt nothing… As usual… But my problem seems smaller by second now…
Went to food fest.. It was refreshing…
Looking back it was a good exercise for lot of people… The only one who is going farther from me is the one that I so truly wanted still I feel it would be great if she can be my companion but now its just seems far off and my body has more or less stopped reacting to show my lust for her… Seems the Alan watts theory is right… And it’s fine…

Seems I became just like her in habits… The normal kumbakarna monkey..

I feel it won’t materialize but with my universe luck no one never know…

I have realized more things about love as a relationship because of this exercise and seems many are benefitting from it…

Marriage needs to be a companion relationship that has the same rules as friends other than sexual one..
It needs to be open and transparent the only way it can get stronger…

Arrange marriage typically happens between people who are confined to social stigma and the outcome is that they never get out of it when it doesn’t workout because of the same fear…
Typically… Not always…

I was going to convince her parents… But now realize that only she could have done a better job… And that’s how it should be…
Actually there is no convincing needed.. It should also be a an open discussion with parents and children.

I am not in a good place as her father apparently had once said to her… May be financially or something that never got discussed … I might have lost more than what many have/can earn/ed yet… So…

I came across one more thought about people’s mindset about security…

The confident settled people are like the ones who believe the moon has its own light and travel to it…
The restless people are like the ones who believe the distant star has its own light and travel to it…
But the thing is you both would be most likely to be disappointed since moon doesn’t has its own light and the stars you are so keen on reaching might not even exists by the time you reach it.

Seems I have been torn between my ideologies as a lover and as a realist…

Now that I don’t feel love to her and that I have spoken how marriage is not about fulfilling that hole you feel in yourself…And boosted my own ego in the process..
It seems that syntactically I have aligned myself with my friend’s and brother’s ideologies about love…Which is…. don’t do it seriously…
The only thing that makes sense for love as Alan Watts said is don’t try to love., Don’t control it.., its like driving a car.., let it happen and leave it to the universe to take it’s course..

It should be selfless if you cant do that then be honest.
If you can’t loose yourself in someone because of the YOU that protects you or that the connection doesn’t exist… Then be open about it because that’s the best way to express it.

The romantic love we all feel at one point or another fades, the unconditional love doesn’t fade because it doesn’t exist as a foreign entity..it’s existence can’t be sensed.,it increases both parties self worth.,since they will be one., it’s not a compromise it’s a discovery, it’s relentless support to be your own master and servant as if nothing ever changed…

GL

The day was not that eventful but it had a nice ending today., starting this morning I have removed most of the apps from my phone today, that includes youtube and whatsapp …, no goal or pressure just trying to find the change by choice.
I will be ending this article as previously determined but It might take more days than I initially thought to remove her essence from every moment of being may be it will change once I truly accept that its gone., which should have been the case about now.., even now I think of her at-least once a minute., but not with any serious emotions .., she just remains on my memory pallet as I go about my day.
I want to feel that love again but it can’t be just like that.., it will be dishonest., in my mind I criticize her sometime and sometime it seems she did the right thing..I will never know… So… I let it slide the way it is…

Puffy was talking about his life today, how the nature/life is pushing him against a grinding wheel but he is not going to give up he has a plan to remove the wheel nut or sharpen the screwdriver that the god has given… it was a nice analogy he was making with the seductiveness of goddess..

All 3 of us in my room today cooked our dinner.., My friend brought up her again and was schmoozing how I couldn’t get her or should look for a different stream than the one who has done engineering as its getting harder.., I told him its better if its hard., and sach said Pleasure is in the pain followed by “Mard ko Dard nahi hota..” my quick response was “pehli baar hota hai..” but now I feel a new one “Dard hi Mard ko Banata hai..”

So I realize today what I am doing…I am on to the quote by bukowski. Risking the very thing I deserve to achieve.. Pushing her further and further by honesty at that moment.

I am in Andhra today., attending an ex colleagues wedding.
My friend wanted to hear what I was upto or was my story from august when we last spoke.. even when I really didn’t want to tell her..But as she made it clear she wanted to know I told her everything..She seems to see a ghost in me a devil probably where I am pestering this girl that I once loved…I denied it first now I have accepted it..Without any difference in my attitude…I mean I did it and I know if the limits needs pushing I will do it…
But now is not the time…and since it can’t go further than what I can do…there is no point in it..
She fells I am close to the behavior of a rapist or molesters the ones similar to office molestor she gave me an example where a boss used to make his female employee sit in his line of sight just so that he can see her…
I have no judgement on this …She has… Obviously…
She feels I have lost my judgement so I listen to others to make my decision and take them as is…And if I look back it might be the case..But the thing is I am giving it up to hold it in place…I know the best way to govern is not to govern… By letting things go you have the chance of having it back…Whatever that is…She tells me a story of her life.., this is interesting because it shows the other side of my adventure…there was this guy who apparently had fallen in love with her., she wasn’t interested in him, but he kept on asking her to marry him for almost 5 times and use to say that he has a family but given that they are self sufficient the entire salary can be used up by my friend for their new beginning., she despises him., she feels that my behavior is close to that guy.., what she doesn’t sense is his love., she has done the exact same-thing in her life too.. but she feels since she didn’t pester this guy she loved she is better somehow.
I can relate to the other guy…I don’t know why he does what he does but I feel he is lost., he can’t see the path which doesn’t have my friend that he so deeply loves., being intangible its lost in translation from feelings to action. He might seem like a pester er to everyone who hears this story superficially but someone close to him like his family and friends., knows that he is hurting and he can’t get what he wants so he has to go through it.

Read the book Intimate Death or as it’s now called Sieze the Day by marie de hennezell .
I see a lot of redundancy in the aspects of what I have come to realize..It’s a very good book nonetheless…
My friend on the phone was talking about 2 people gaurav and Neil .., coincidentally I saw the incoming call on the phone from Neil on the last date we had …Which she didn’t receive…I felt kind of good that day about that thinking she has priority for the time… Just remissing the past…

My friend feels I am depressed..,I guess even my cousin would feel that…I can’t help them feel otherwise…
I am not lonely I have solitude anywhere and anytime I want ..Just to be with myself like meditation…
I can’t explain how euphoric it is …By not being on the bandwagon which the society wants…I can’t show them my path so I let this be here for now…

Manoj was here today…It was an evening of remembrance…He wanted to know just like my other friend..The difference comes at the end…He takes me for who I am and urges me to do what I intended in the first place and to not deviate either way…To not close before hand nor to continue after the dead line.. it’s apt..I trust him. This post will be last edited on may 5 th and published on June 3rd. Since the discussion started in my home our mutual friend tells me that her marriage is almost fixed…I miss a beat but that’s it..

What can I say or do.. It’s done..

“Karmanye vadhikaraste Ma Phaleshu Kadachana,
Ma Karma Phala Hetur Bhur Ma Te Sango Stv Akarmani”

BG

I never had her, and seems that I never could … by making all the moves that I did … I have lost every possibility of having any meaningful connection with her., I think its best., I might inevitably see her in my friends marriage one day., but that’s okay., I know the things I have done., Throwing stones at the ocean and looking for ripples in its vast

My friend manoj listens to me intently I tell him everything even the calendar secrets.. I told him about all the temples and my prayers for a miracle with every single one of them. When it was time to discuss about rapists and molesters perspective that I probably have brought in everyone involved and that I don’t hold judgement for them that I don’t see them as good and bad he is perplexed and reacts saying not to repeat it with anyone else as it might be dangerous…I can’t frame the sight of perspective for him… So I give up my discussion for 15mins to collect my thoughts .. and I tell him about yin and yang.. How the darkness brings light meaning and the other way too..It’s not that I value one over another but that one can be valued because of other and I acknowledge the existence of both and that it’s a necessity.. He catches my drift this time he resonates with his own experience…I feel the union again… He is a bit angry about her and feels that I chose the wrong person.. But I never had a choice.. She was the only one that could have taken me here…

I am not drowning anymore..I can end my quest here.. But he tells me to do it till the date and end it then.. If not he follows with a kick for my birthday ass…I am going to do that…It’s a promise.

Yesterday 27th Feb was a great day., lot of laughter.. talk about masturbation, nirvana, business, marriage, 160km car drift… everything …
I felt we were wiser in our folly. I always knew that I was brilliant but I lacked confidence but now I push no matter what or who.., its just brute force because I believe if something needs to happen it will no matter what.., and that our actions can only help us really appreciate ourselves.

Love, Fame, Marriage, Business, X …… that you encounter is like a cold water bath early in the morning., its not helping you if you insist on waiting, just dive in…its cold now or cold later..the faster you dive faster you recover.

GL

my friend Punith says that taking loan is also similar., once you do it and it becomes easier….. 😉

I wanna a girl who basically doesn’t need me.,who is perfect all by herself and that she knows it…

My heart is alight again…,
Nothing much it took than a single love story of two people who never spoke to each other… (ಆಯ್ದ ಕಥೆಗಳು – ಬೇಲೂರು ರಾಮಮೂರ್ತಿ)
Amazing🥰
(Copied from Archive : 2nd Mar)

Today is March3rd., had a dream and I walked off…it has become easier to say NO., I feel that day is fast coming…, I believe in it. Its not because I don’t want it, its because I love her even when she doesn’t belong to me and that way she can be set free… I have become more and more uncertain now…of what I have to do…even when I know there is nothing that I can.

My puffy friend said one day that he wants to make at-least 100Cr once and then loose /give away 99cr to show that it doesn’t matter… I am in his place now…
looking back at the message above is what I felt …
I am seeing that I have already achieved that… If all I want is to loose her than what are you waiting for ?? you have done it already… what are you trying to prove and to whom ??

Almost everyday till now just feels an empty attempt now., my friends knows about the calendar and I have told the honest reason with them., they feel that I am insane for obvious reasons… as seen I have added new agendas to it from 3rd March as remainders.

My lovely uncle called today to remind me to move on., to not compare one girl with another and to love again to take his help if need be and to not take anything that happens in life too seriously… <3

Mastering the art of social success..,
Rukshana eisa..
Breezed through this book today…Seems it’s a good book on how to fit in…
I didn’t like it…
But it has a page on break up and the obvious things that should have been done and how I didn’t…I am a bit touched by my rudeness in this ….I know it would have hurt her very much too…I got my parents involved here intentionally or unintentionally…I can’t say…
I have to let this feeling go…Because there is nothing I can do now…It can only bring more pain …
I need to be more comfortable with failures in future and have the ability to let go…Unlike what I did here…

My brother is here now he was talking about how it’s better to hide things until you are sure…He has done this his whole life I feel… He feels by not saying when he fail he somehow protect the parents from the pain…May be he is right…
He was specifically talking about how wrong I was to tell my parents about the parents when it was not even two way….
He is quoting instances from his friends life…He wants me to be like him…
The same that I heard from my puffy friend the other day…May be they are both right about this…
None of them have succeeded so far….They all have failed they all did the same thing …I have already failed…That’s evident….But this is my struggle….I am not following the footsteps of others…I am ready to face the consequences of what ever that comes across… Every thing I am doing is just making me loose one more step…Pushing me deeper and deeper…If this is all it is…then I am fine with it….
I am doing this intentionally… I am going through the motions of finding it myself….

I got some time around to think about the Rukshana Eisa s theory of breakups…
Not truly a break up…but this is my first heart break…I have done things which everyone points out that I shouldn’t have done…But somehow everyone who points out is a failure…And they are very certain about the way it should have been handled….I am mystified by it…Reminds of Bukowskis quote…

“The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full ofconfidence.”

I don’t know I might be on the trail that no one ever took…Which for me feels good even when it is a failure…I might have found a new path atleast…

So coming back to the etiquette…This is all good about maintaining good face in the society…So that you have mutual respect…
Does that mean anything….I have seen so many faces…I am sure most of them hate me or despises me…That’s their problem….I can’t change it and I don’t want to….
So what society does is amazing….Before marriage if you have a break up…It wants you to go clean at best serves best for the future relationship than having back and forth……but once you are married and that too you have kids…There is always advice to see the possibility to rekindle..to go for couples counseling….Isn’t that always self serving for the society…Where it promotes to not follow their instincts but the society’s rules….

Most of my thoughts here are half baked at best…I am not revisiting them on this…But hopefully it gets the reader to doubt it…

I had a very nice conversation with my puffy friend… His voice was all deep today as he is having cold…
It was about marriage and backups…
He was laughing at the fact that boys feel they have got backups…He tells me…May be girls have backups. But what guys have is illusion…No one who is in true love with a girl can talk such nonsense…and there are people marry for sake of society or family or for some other notice than to share and experience love for each other….
For them marriage is a transaction..
He says the millennial s ..Us…Are so trapped in entitlement we should be ashamed of ourselves…Both men and women…Where we keep rejecting the proposal that doesn’t match our criteria…He says…If you feel you deserve someone go and get her/him than expecting someone else to do it for you….What a nuisance all this is….

I felt that I lost someone’s trust by doing what I did… Seems I earned it… Our mutual friend was quoting one more pair that would have been a fantastic couple where the girl got scared and married someone else…I feel he feels the same way about me…I don’t know for sure… But it makes me very happy…
I drove the car for almost 150km today from bengaluru to hassan… He trusted me enough to let me sit behind the wheel …😊

So what is the point of all this… It proves absolutely nothing other than the fact that I am someone who knows that he is confused and still going on doing stupid things… If what I have been wishing to in my head comes true there is nothing like it.. But if it doesn’t then it doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen for other person it’s just that the universe has other plans for me…

I want one day to find a girl who can accept me for who I am and what I am ., Then so it was ironic to have changed or at least tried to change so much of who I am…i am hazy on my actual behavior those days remembering back…But I believe I didn’t change myself when I was with her rather tried to show full spectrum of my being but the breakdown and change started to happen when I realize that I can never get her…That wall just disappeared opening the flood gate of emotions and with it too many Ally’s of venting myself out…I am still in that process don’t know which way it’s going to settle filling life with experiments yet no results ..Uncertain of who I am…Yet craving .Like a boat in the stormy seas…Is there something that I can do…..😓

I always spoke to myself either in front of a mirror or as a third person in my mind., this blog is just helping me to put the gist in writing…I also speak to the universe these days …

day by day …the intensity is going down…today i tried hard to feel the pain …I teared up a bit but couldn’t…its just an old memory now….I have become lazy again…I am trying to cut through…I couldn’t even remember her face properly…only an outline of the Facebook profile a bit of the gentle nod in the movie theater not much..still waiting for the miracle…which now seems impossible.
I am loosing my friends i believe…they don’t seem to like my view anymore as I tend to oppose theirs when it feels wrong.

Have started using bumble now., got the match on the first day…got the small pleasure as usual….seems easy to forget someone when you have options…

Looking back today after hearing to what my friends tell me…
I feel that I met my universe (now feeling more and more unconnected with this pet name)… in a circumstance which would have been radically different if she had opened up…It might be mostly because of me…I talked so much that I fell in love while she felt totally left out…She might have actually thought of giving it a shot but would have lost interest as she never got around to talk about her…I believe we fall in like people when they talk but we love them when they listen…May be just that we fall in love with a version of ourself we are proud to share with them…and in the way to it have the romantic love associated with that person…
As one of my friend used to advise her colleagues and friends…to find a partner that she can keep talking to…and never run out of things to talk about…I felt she was really a genius in the relationship advice…May be she is…But I don’t see how just talking about things makes a great relationship…
Anyways…..
I feel that I failed to let her feel special when I took her out , if she is genuine in every which way she presented herself she might have even felt bad about the whole situation..She atleast tried to mend when things went bad… I couldn’t use that options as every point I loved her more and more and I started to loose the grip on myself….the. I went with her first 2 dates… I felt so good about myself… and may be the fear of loosing that status quo was what brought so much pain…I could have handled things better may be there is more that I could learn in future…if she ever reads this blog I want her to know that all my actions were rooted in my immense desire for her…

A close person to me today opens up about her life and wants.., she is married and celibate because of a complex relationship for years now….now there is a new guy in picture who is married., this guy is educated, has a good position in society, says all the right words to her … (in my assumption… he seems manipulative and to be taking advantage of her as he knows she is vulnerable)…. but no one else see what she wants except her mother… she wants love and physical gratification which no one seems to offer her .., should she take what she can get…
everyone she knows has advice for her., her parents feel ashamed that she can even think like that..
She asks me today.. what should she do…!? I say…
“you have to make this choice., but if you go ahead and have a physical relationship with this person., you might not have that craving again…”
I don’t know whether I am right or wrong….but how can you answer it.
More to the point …how can she be wrong in whatever choice she makes….why can’t she be selfish ….
how can we expect her to be celibate or wait for love from someplace else when there is no signs of it…

went on a date with Bumble girl.., her name starts with P fancy how that’s the pattern…started with S->R->P …, anyways ., I didn’t find her beautiful (I am self-absorbed) but we had a good conversation.., after all the superficial ones she asked me my greatest challenge … I told that I couldn’t tell her yet..,and she knew…so I told about unrequited love .,and she told me about the mutual partner who got married some other girl even when she was ready to sacrifice everything..,I guess now she realized that it was not the lack of courage but that he never truly loved her., but that idiot apparently send that he loved her still and couldn’t marry her on the day before his wedding day…what a bullshit thing to say.., he doesn’t even know what it is.

I told her the following .., I know I am not that brave either …but I will be next time…

I think I have accomplished it… Making sure that I am bad guy in minds of almost everyone close to me….
They want me to be normal…I don’t want to be….
They see that the path they have chosen is the right one… And the only one….
I also see the path I have chosen is the right one… But it’s not the only one….
Had a hour long conversation with parents of one of my friends… Took them through the memory lane… They seem to be divided …
They don’t want us to take risks that we might regret…. My point is we will regret the risks that I didn’t take….
Today my friend says delivery of information makes the difference…I am challenging him on this… Saying it won’t matter because you are not responsible for their feelings… and end outcomes are what they are… It’s evident in my case…within all those warm words spoken by people there is an inner desire which couldn’t be let go…. and I don’t feel they will… But my resolute is clear and conscious is untouched…
My friend seems to be sure on not taking shots which can compromise emotional integrity of himself and people he like and says better to suffer yourself than letting know the truth… He is keen on quick death than prolonging the pain…
He feels he can understand the pain of the ones he never had….I say bull shit…
I am not convinced…
Its not that I don’t see there path…I was on it…all good … Now the last 6 months has made me an evil person just by speaking my mind.., because they are continuously out of sync…
I want to make my own mistakes… Even if it costs me everything…

One option I want to try from today March 18 2019., till May 5th 2019 ..the end of this blog not to talk anything personal no matter what….keep everything within.., don’t engage others as well… “No comments”…let’s see.

So then….you realize that you knew less about a person the more you get to know about him/her…. I always felt my mutual friend was in love at some point with this girl he studied in college.., but got to know recently that he was not in love but was in control…he never even said how he felt…exact words said by our puffy friend “I have feelings for you…” beautiful to see the circle … he felt the butterflies apparently and he didn’t want to take it further so he said that he doesn’t want to love her…and she said “Don’t worry I am getting married…” what a disappointing story…. and I thought he had rough time in his love life… 😂… so it seems is true for lot of people …they never actually were in love .., they just had a deep crush… never gave up control….

Looking back I feel the same is true for my counterpart as well., she never gave up control… pathetic how I was falling for her even when she was choosing the grooms that was shown by her parents… sad GL sad….

Today … I feel a bit different about letting my parent interfere in my search for companion .., I guess its good that they can help me in some way … but just have to let them know that I will also do this in parallel, and I need it to be flexible … now that I have more friends of mine helping me find a match… 😅…

Every breath counts…because the breath leads you to the next one and on and on…To the one which makes everything worthwhile…
This is what I should have said when my friend said my attempt at getting the girl was a waste….
I don’t think there is a specific way for things to happen..But along the way you choose something clicks and happen….and that makes you believe that its the right one…And over time we find the way which is generic and mediocre in hardness to follow and we feel that it’s the right way…While the one that is too easy or too hard is either wrong or not worth while….
Who made these rules…But us….
Yesterday s visit to IISC and with so much to gaze upon…Crowd… Enthusiasm… Innocence… Ignorance… Intelligence..
I came back with one quote which was on the back of a tee shirt…
Effort is the only satisfaction and sedative…By Abhinav Bindra…*need to refine this quote..
Met my bro today…He was telling me how he feels he is better at understanding how signalling works for mating in Humans…How he gets signals from some girls he doesn’t want while he doesn’t get from the girls he does…He feels by letting them know of his intention he some how looses the value and becomes Porki…
I challenged him to go for it…And he feels it doesn’t happen without signal….I feel he is an Idiot…I might not be an expert..But I am not under the illusion of decency and society values…They are very temperamental…As I can see that the people who had some opinions about me have changed them and feel that I am off…..Which is true…But does that devaluate me….
That’s the question whose answer should not matter…because it doesn’t…
I think I am having this ongoing challenge with Malli on whether to say it or not…I know he is not wrong.., but somehow I end up making a point to prove I am right… why am I doing that…
Nice memorable Sunday all in all…afterall we took photos to send to our future beesss…🐝💐

I am god ….this is what I have been saying for a long time all but to my self…but recently to people who ask…, i don’t hesitate.. but even gods have limits…and to know them helps you overcome them…. I was cleaning this night and realized something … it was exactly as BRUCE ALMIGHTY.. even the god does mundane things and there in realizes he has the power to do it..but he can’t alter certain things…only time does…. and he too has to wait.

so here is my sincere request that I have faith in., A coffee at the counter of maiyas at 11pm ..with HER., how, when and why is a mystery I don’t have to dig into…. and I truly need only this instance.

My aunt spoke to me today about things I know she is brave …, she is brave than any one else I know., I have great respect for that ., but I don’t understand one thing which seems to exists in almost everyone why do you feel that the path you take is the only way.., she knew that I was in depression but she never discussed that with me ., she wanted to discuss that with my brother and mother not with me ., so what was the point of that .?, she tells me today that my brother told the universe I loved was not in love because she was with me at 10pm ., my universe is some how wrong for just being with me during late hours of the night., that she might have done the same with others ., she might have done the same with our mutual friend., my aunt told me this very line ., why would she say something like that ., its not that I hadn’t thought in those lines but I have always found it to be inconsequential because its her life and I respect it no matter what it entails and I love her for my own selfish reasons and nothing else.,
I am not pissed that my aunt or my brother thought these things ., but I felt sad that my aunt somehow felt it was essential to let me know about it., she further brought up my mom into the conversation to outline how we are kind of at fault for her drinking habits ., I was restless from this thought, didn’t know what to do…because there are more than one path that I could take., I thought of not talking to her at all because its her decision what ever she does., thought of talking to her and let her know that my search for a girl will be shut down and she can choose whosoever she wants and I can follow through with it., seems to me I can do both …. gave it 2 days and called her to ask about her problem with drinking and let her know that only she is responsible for her drinking and if she needs more bottles to let know ., but to call me before drinking for me to know the reason for the same.. I am leaving this at this ., because ultimately its her choice.

I have deactivated my facebook account for the second time ., I guess that’s the end of it for now.., I used it to send a note for this girl that my friend manU told me about.. as usual of me ,wasn’t holding high hopes for it and there was no response obviously and I updated the profile pic in that process., now the funny thing is my old partner Anil came across the profile page update went through this blog and decided to visit me after a year now.., Love It.
the 2rU story
He reminded me about the story he told about this girl he had met in PU/BE like 8years ago., whom he didn’t like because she was not that pleasing to look at ….but over the course of time started loving her and then every imperfection of hers was just perfect for him., he proposed and she rejected ..,seems she had to meet someone else to realize his love and come back to him after 2 years ., and 2 years ago she asked him for marriage now he was focused on success so he asked her to wait for 2years which she said isn’t possible as the family is in a hurry to get her married., today after 2years she is still unmarried and they have gone out couple of times recently.,

he want’s to keep this bike as he took her out for a ride on this.. 🤣😍

I feel both love each other in their own way while she is not strong enough to convince her father fearing his life and health by the decision.. my partner is still focused on work and success., I have given my 2 cents on the matter ., Hope they Unite.!, because the universe is rooting for you both.

ಮುಗುಳುನಗೆ – Some stories makes up amazing journey not the destination.

Today March31st ., I am reading 2 books in parallel., selections from Swami Vivekananda and mark mansons Models: Attract women through honesty.., from the outside they look as if they are 2 books written with different intentions but when you read them its about making oneself better …
so here I am making few decisions …
1. Cut out porn for at-least 2 months
2. Try and Learn Guitar
3. Stop thinking about the The Universe in deeper sense of the way and My Universe (try to leave it completely … its gone …. you don’t have to find your vulnerability there ever again., not by calling her to make it casual.., because it doesn’t matter … the best you could do is to let it go … believe she is better off without your presence …and at the same time there is nothing that you can get from there ….stop asking universe for a miracle forever… don’t try to hold on to it)
4. On the calendar stop mentioning the importance of the day whatsoever…one of my relatives died today.., but even that will not be on that… its a plain calendar and just that.., a mundane thing that I will complete….it has no real benefit to give me…from writing on to it.
5. Completely stop getting into a discussion about the inconsequential topics about you or anything else… just ignore it…try for 2 months

Today is May3rd ., A month from today this post will be out and I don’t think anything valuable came out of this …it started as a pipe dream and today it is just that.,
I am more of less following up my pattern on the above decided challenges., 1. porn I have succeeded although masturbation …not so much., but its still a win in my book.
2. Guitar .., not pleasant yet., couple of melodies …strumming now .., joined music class..
3. There was something interesting happened on 14th April., but I have gotten better to not look it as signs and enjoy the actuality of it as the fullest…

Saw her on train today by chance.., I wasnt sure even though she passed by a feets distance from mine…, I had to know took the stroll saw the iPhone but wasn’t sure…When the TTE came for checking…I saw the reservation and there it was with her and her mom s name …liar had given her age 26 😉
Couldn’t take the pic as the TTE said it’s unlawful or something…
Went ahead and woke her up…Good she looked…Could see the new blue jeweled ring on her right hand…
She apparently pinged me on WhatsApp…Hmm …I don’t use that anymore…Sacrificed ?…She asks…hahahah
Good it has all been…
Hoping good things for her and her family…
It’s a bit amusing that I spoke of her today with my parents…And mentioned about my brother’s proposal to have gone to her…
I really felt it was mere delusional…But seems it wasn’t …And this is not going on my blog…
I told people close to me about it very confidently but was very unnerving when i did with mom., but that’s behind now.. for good
(Copied from archive: April 15th)

4. Challenge Completed.!
5. Have failed couple of times but that’s fine..

6 month reckoning comes to an end…

Her name is Gunita ., I loved her and seems I continue to…i want her to find everything that she deserves…And I don’t need her to be in my life anymore…

GL.,
I defeated the whole purpose of hiding her name .., but today I have realized….There is nothing to be ashamed off…For anyone involved it’s factual and beautiful the way it happened… And I am grateful for it.