We all have experienced physical and emotional pain at one point or another in our life, its remarkable and unthinkably so ironic that we feel pain to get better.

When you really get hurt physically the brain does one of the two things
It either pumps us with so much adrenaline we don’t care and do what needs to be done to get out of harm way or knocks itself out so as to avoid feeling it.

This puts forth a simple fact ., that pain is not real at-least not in the way we see it everyday., pain is an emotion which forms the building block of human evolution, pain is a subconscious decision taken by our neural network to build strong values and reevaluate metrics so as to get better in our lives.

I am going through a rejection as I write this, has been 10days now.,

After reading the book “The subtle art of not giving a f*ck” by Mark Manson more or less superficially to avoid my anxiety about the girl I started having feelings for…, I decided to take action rather than prolonging my anxiety.. I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote a blatant text very crisply explaining how I felt about her.
Fact is I revealed her my intentions assuming it to be mutual., I only did it because I felt that I cannot get hurt, I cannot be rejected.

The crazier thing is even before reading the book written by Mark Manson specifically “Models:Attracting women through honesty” (which I did after the rejection) I went on full honesty about every secret of my life feeling as if I am indestructible since the girl I was talking to was a complete stranger I didn’t hesitate to tell her my deepest secrets it would be lost in the void.,
I felt as if I was indestructible with her and still do… and although it feels like it takes your shot out at having any relationship its the best thing that you could ever do., not only romantically but this applies for any relationship that you develop in your life, honesty keeps your grounded to reality and helps you lay deeper routes so as to brave all the gusts and storm when you actually grow.

Coming back to the point after I made my intentions clear, she promptly declined but I couldn’t accept it… I wasn’t angry but was indifferent although I said “Its OK” superficially.. deep down I wasn’t ready and don’t know if I have done it completely yet.., but I am much farther from all the lies I constructed myself to feel better about it…
The pain of accepting a rejection is so hard that you will want to divert yourself to pleasures like playing a video game, going out with friends for a party or hiking, watching porn, binge watching a serial, drinking alcohol to completely avoid or deny the consequence of the fact.

Honestly I never knew the pain was this big, I cried several times in this duration to accept the simplest truth that SHE WANTS NOTHING MORE THAN MY FRIENDSHIP FROM ME., its as simple as it gets but to me in the last 10 days it was the impossible truth to digest

I had an amazing opportunity to fall for a girl who from my perception embodies the simple values and truths of reality that Mark Manson portrays in his book., she gave me the perceptive I was lacking for so long without me or her even realizing it.

I have many people in my life both in high and low places of social and economic hierarchy who in more than one occasions have confessed about their love life and marriage life., how they have experienced love more than once that how its all common to get hurt in love., how women are mystic creatures in general and how getting arrange marriage helped them., but from my perspective they are following one of the two path’s to take. that they had problems which were special or that they themselves are., but there is one more path very hard for us to see that most of them have refused to take.. Its the simple explanation that they didn’t truly love their counter part, that they felt entitled, that they got rejected.
Facts and Nothing more.. Its not that they have a shitty life now nor that they feel unloved., its just that years and years after everything they still feel entitled and knowingly or unknowingly its slowly chipping them away….

Truth is in my case I thought I deserved her ., felt entitled to it along the way ., got anxious about the future…. but looking back today the fact is I needed her courtship in ways more than I could have ever anticipated, she was the Bodhi tree of my enlightenment in a small spiritual way., Seeing how my friends handled the situation in their life., I got a chance to handle it better… its was not easy but just a bit better…
I learnt something much much valuable than the momentary pleasure I was driving myself too., in this way I got more than I deserved from this and I am grateful for it.

I am not writing these words sarcastically but in the most truest sense possible., I now understand one sided love of materialistic objects., why people feel so lonely when they loose someone they love either through rejection or death. It feels easy to numb the pain in their memory because it is…, but the more you do that the more you delay the inevitable which in the grand scheme of things is nothing., but for you who is going to die one day it’s not a great way of moving forward.

I have a friend who loved someone from his pre-university years for almost a decade., he has deep routed feelings for her but never got around to telling her.., there was always some reason for him not to., he thought that if he gets a degree then he can go and approach her and got that done., since she also graduated he felt to do his masters to approach her., he did that too and got an internship along the way but felt that to truly impress her and the rest of the family he needs a very successful job and so kept on delaying to express his emotions always with one or the other reason., because it felt comfortable and momentarily pleasureful to simply imagine things that she will accept once he become successful rather than confronting the truth. I am not questioning his love here., since he is one of the most genuine person I have come across, a single friend who is worthier than a lineage of my friendship for last 20years., but the entitlement of feeling successful consumed him so much he never did get around to expressing it.,
Just a week before he got the offer letter from one of the fortune 500 companies in the world the girl he loved for so long got engaged., a month after that she got married…
He never got to tell her how he truly felt……
Now it has been 3 years since her marriage, my friend is a very successful person, he built a house, has traveled abroad, made lot of progress professionally, tons of money but he cannot still get over the fact that he missed his opportunity.
He now feels that he can get peace if he just confesses to her and walks away to the sunset, he has the courage now to do so, but the fact is its not in the right place, he feels entitled to get peace, get justice for himself.,
He cannot see the consequences of his true actions., he knows he cannot be with her but the he cannot accept the fact that he has lost her, that sometimes you cannot get closures. we need to move on.., its hard but its simple.

In my case the things weren’t that grim, by being unintentionally honest with the girl I loved.., when everything fell apart I had nothing to loose, but my own pride, my own ego and frankly got around to it and lost it. I told her that the rejection was hard and that I cried.., For someone not in my shoes this feels to be a last ditch effort to get her back, or very irrational because this makes you vulnerable in front of the person you are trying to impress for long., but from my perspective that day it was impulsive and even today it was one of the most courageous call I could have taken… along the way of my pain I had couple of days where it felt I lost my shot at getting back by being vulnerable but the truth is unlike my friend I took a shot at getting closure to confess everything because she was the only one that mattered, you can share your feelings with anyone of your closest friends or relative, they will listen but none of them are the parties involved so even though at the moment it relieves your pain it never truly gets the closure to move on., and looking back now I have no regrets., it might have gotten ugly but it didn’t.., she said all the right words., after hearing what I had to say she said that she was sorry for it and nothing else., no bullshit.,
It was the best that she could have offered., we need people like that to get over our pain and get on with life.
Sure it doesn’t feel great right away it actually feels worse took me almost 2 weeks, might be way longer for others but that’s how life is., we need to accept it., and then it gets better you come out of it stronger than ever.

Acceptance of the fact removes entitlement from the future and serenity ensues…

The pains like all other problems in life are never ending …, you need to address it every time they stand in front of you, and that’s the only way forward.

This morning 4th September 2018, I feel relaxed and in peace by accepting the truth., there is no way to put a positive spin to it… Its disappointing that I couldn’t get the girl, hurt like hell (I hadn’t cried for myself over almost 10years and this got me to do more than once in last 2 weeks),  I felt like Surya (Ramesh) with Bhoomika in the end of the movie America America where she comes and sits in the seat next to him and says “I will come back to India but just as a friend and nothing more”. We love it more because it feels real its not pleasureful but we still love it., we all like to see the alternative ending where its all happiness but life is not always that way and more you try to pursue the happiness the more sadness and pain you will inadvertently generate.

Even though pain has its origin in your brain it feels very real.. because you don’t have control over it, sure you can get empty highs to numb it or deny it but the truth is it never truly goes away until you accept it and confront it..
Pain although unbearable is ultimately relative., like everything else in life it fades…  Its a biological tool in our evolution to inspire action., its necessary in ways more than you can anticipate it while feeling it, so accept it and go through it, it grounds you to reality, helps you to burn your own little universe of entitlement and emerge as a phoenix.

— I am revisiting this page after 10days, today is 15th September 2018

its true.! Pain comes in waves., some days you feel perfectly normal and the very next it drowns you completely…, I figured that I am mostly done with pain when I first wrote this post and that the worst was over.,
but the fact is just like all the things in this world pain is also not absolute its relative, its a journey of UPs and DOWNs, its beautiful that way
you never truly enjoy something if its lifeless, the static noise drowns out in front of the fluttering butterfly and such a thing is pain., our biology has realized this very well so it ensures that we are attentive when it occurs, it enforces this by drowning us over and over again but never completely suffocating.

Anyways…, the point I started to update this post was to clarify an interesting thing I realized.., which knowing me …I would never have agreed upon when pointed by someone else ., because we are all the worst observers of ourselves we are always biased on our thoughts and our feelings., it takes a lot of effort to realize the alternative path than we are currently undertaking., this is proven by the mere fact that the people who have made me realize my faults are still struggling to accept their own downfalls., because its too close for them to focus on. its too painful to own up to  when they have lived their whole life believing that to be the benchmark against which all others are measured.

“SEX” the three letters that I hadn’t till now and never would have written ever in my online presence ever…seems to be my corner stone to take a look back at what I was running away from to peek into the inner sanctum of being oneself.,

When I shared the story of my rejection with my friend, he took time in consoling me and explained how love that we all go nuts about is just a road for lust and nothing more., It felt that those were the words of a bitter man who lost a piece of his soul and now is defacing what love is., I was indifferent about it but still decided to entertain the thought for the time being., weeks after the encounter and now looking back I have a better grip and clarity on words I chose and actions that I did.,
I am not regretting any of them because those are the words which has got me here to look deeper into my own-self and question my own beliefs which is exactly what I wanted.., superficially at that time but seems to be brighter than anything in the world., realization of oneself is a miracle., and I am just getting started.

So here is the fact and let me poke few holes in my belief., as the story explains above .., I was heart broken by the rejection which funny enough that I didn’t even properly do it in person., I was not particularly afraid of the fallout but was too anxious to wait for the next meetup thinking it might be too late., was afraid that over the call or in person I might never articulate myself the way it should be done…. now looking back I realize my mistakes this gives me hope…that I obviously have a lot of things to improve upon…that the journey is going to be even better…
anyways…
the day I got rejected, I texted back and confessed exactly what I had in my thoughts and my mind., now as sincere as it seems the underlying value never got identified in my confession., sure enough my friend noticed it and my crush also pointed as if it was the sun on a clear day., they all told me that my feelings carried expectations which in this case “SEX”., which for me was a blow in my values that I couldn’t accept., I refused it completely and all I could say was what I had believed all along “that I needed to talk to her and share experiences”.

So how the hell can this realization of ulterior motive be possible ?
…Its through self reflection …. first, you need to take some time off. The pain clouds facts which are quite obvious to one not experiencing it. I am not asking to subdue pain or avoid it, not at all…. I will urge you to accept it, even welcome it because remember pain like any other things in life comes in waves, you can never truly appreciate the highs without hitting rock bottom., this will continue for the rest of your life there will be that ringing in the back of the head about this pain but will be fainter each day…
now once the pain has reduced down to a manageable size re-visit the crime scene where it all took place… but without any bias and investigate each intentions and actions with pure curiosity., evaluate the outcomes of all probable scenarios and the one which became reality, re-validate your intentions and actions against these and honestly accept and appreciate the unknown..
In these moments alone you can see what makes you tick.., the invisible force that pushes and pulls you with every step.

For me this realization was quite simple my actions and intentions were clear as a crystal to me..
…all I wanted was to get rid of my anxiety that had started to interfere in my work life and most importantly that I can share more experiences and spend more time with the person I cared so much about and not to loose an opportunity of the life that may miss out if I didn’t share how I felt.,
…even now the intentions are clear for me so what’s wrong ??
there is nothing wrong at all in this and this binds my conscious mind., but what I lacked to see was the unconscious desires and how the outcome affected it.,

The true reflection of my intentions that I allowed to grow inside me but didn’t feel responsible for was the desire for SEX., this looking back seems the only logical explanation for my suffering..,
how is that ??
…after going through the first hand experience of rejection. We both had a choice.. to break it off., whether off the rejections as a personal failure on other persons part and go our separate ways., I for some unknown reason felt that she would be the right person to share my feelings about rejection and the truth is it couldn’t have gotten better.., she as always had to say nothing but just listen., listen without judgement… and she did..
ironically the people we live with in a friendly society are eagerly waiting to judge, hate the person they don’t even know., only to feel the sense of moral superiority…

After all these she still is the same person and we still have the same relationship that we started with .., so what was truly lost ?? my uncertainty in the relationship, what it holds for us in the future… more anxiety ??
Ironically enough I gained a whole lot of self confidence, ability to segregate happiness from pleasure, serene mindset and an opportunity to look deeper into oneself …
So why was this rejection hard ., why did it hurt so much , why was it physically painful to the extent that my pillow had to get wet…??
The answer is the values deeply hidden in our biochemistry, for one “SEX”., the biological urge to complete and restart the cycle of life .,
I am not saying that I am not to blame for these desires,  but I am hereby realizing that this unknown self the values which are driving us through the uncharted sea is also a part of me and because of which I am who I am today., its in us not to oppose us nor to support us but to provide a gentle swing on our actions back and forth to help us see things a bit more clearly and accept the outcomes..
its there in our being always hinting that our faults and failures are not always intentional but owning up to one elevates us from the rest.
In conclusion I realize that my actions and intentions had ulterior motive that escaped my conscious self., but I am grateful that they exist because they make the pain and pleasure irrational, just the way they should be.!

Today is Jan 8th 2019., I am revisiting this and hopefully my last edit for this post.,
I spoke about the movie America America on 4th September … it was a pessimistic take but today oddly enough I am taking a optimistic one.., the movie ends with a beginning of the hope..,it was a sad ending to bring up a cheerful beginning…
I truly felt that there are somethings in the universe that you can’t GET no matter how you try…
4 months ago I told my friend that he didn’t confess and he was Surya in the first half of the movie and I confessed and I was Surya at the end of the movie and that both didn’t matter….
I was right for the wrong reasons.., it doesn’t matter because you weren’t supposed to GET it …, It is supposed to COME TO YOU…and all you have to do is WAIT TO RECEIVE IT… if you really have made an effort I believe that it will… as it did at the end of that movie….she came back against all odds…